Ask Snape
by TheGreatAndPowerfulMoz
Summary: Dumbledore, that old fool, is making our dear Snape act as if he cares about his students! The poor man. Submit a question and our delightful potions master will answer it! READER PARTICIPATION STRONLY ENCOURAGED.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Readers,

Yes, it is I. Your Potions master. It would seem Professor Dumbledore desires that I become more involved in the needs of the students. Argo, I am being forced to write an advice column. The "Ask Snape". Feel free to comment on this column and add your own question. For if I do not have questions, there shall be no Ask Snape. In other words, I will strangle each and every student and/or faculty member who shall submit a question. Without further ado, the "Ask Snape". Please note, Professor Dumbledore gave me these questions specifically, but from here forward all questions shall be in the form of reviews submitted to this column.

Dear Snape,

Hi. I was wondering, what exactly does Dumbledore have on you? Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't seem like the type to want to be around children through any choice of your own. Did you try to poison his lemon drops or something?

Sincerely,

Curious Ravenclaw Girl

Dear Curious,

No, I did not try to poison his lemon drops. Believe me, if I took it upon myself to poison someone, they would not be among the living. Thank you for the idea, though. I'll save it for the next time Dumbledore publicly humiliates me. Remember this, oh young one. Dumbledore is a cruel manipulator. Remember that, and you will have a relatively tolerable life. And sadly, due to a recent lawsuit, I cannot inform you of what I did to deserve this cruel fate. All I can say is I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Sincerely,

_Professor_ Snape

Dear Sevvie,

Why did the Marauders start calling you Snivellous? I mean, where did they get the inspiration? It couldn't have been from your delightful nose, could it?

Love,

iLuvSevvie'sNose

Dear iLuv,

How they began calling me Snivellous is one of the saddest tales in Wizard history. It all started on my second day of Hogwarts, when my mother sent me a letter saying my grandmother, whom I had been extremely close to, had died. I was unable to prevent myself from crying, something I very rarely do. Those filthy "Marauders" as they called themselves took it upon themselves to mock me and worsen my already awful day. After several minutes of mocking they came up with the oh-so-creative name "Snivellous". Oh, how imaginative they are.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Why didn't you use a love potion on Lily Evans? I mean, with you being so talented in the art of potions, you'd think that it would be easy for you to whip up one tiny little love potion!

Yours Truly,

Common Sense

Dear Common,

Could you not have suggested that twenty years ago? Ten points from your House for utter annoyance!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Hi. Listen, I've been hearing rumors that you used to be a Death Eater. Is that true? Listen, if it is, could you Avara Kedavara my friend Hannah Abbot? The little dork is stealing Neville Longbottom away from me! Darn her. So, could you get rid of her for me? Thanks.

From,

Happy Hufflepuff

Dear Happy,

Are you sure the Hat sorted you properly? You sound more Slytherin than Hufflepuff to me. Sadly, as much as I would like to kill most of the Hogwarts students, I would go to Azkaban. I can, however, sign a note allowing you to borrow 1,000 Death and Torture Curses by Karadora Belby from the restricted section of the library. Good luck with your murderous intent!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Hello, Sir! I am writing this because I would like to involve you in an amazing buying opportunity! You can now be the proud owner of a Harry Potter voodoo doll! Yes, you! A genuine patent label voodoo doll of the Chosen One himself! At the extremely reasonable price of only six Galleons, buy one for the whole family! For a limited time only, I'll also throw in a Neville Longbottom voodoo doll at no extra charge! Your future awaits! Just reply to this message as soon as possible!

Sincerely,

Chosen One Voodoo Ltd.

Dear Chosen,

Where can I buy one of these? I would pay top Galleon for a genuine Harry Potter voodoo doll! Do you sell Albus Dumbledore ones to match? Owl me a catalogue!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

Hi! I have this huge crush on this teacher. He, um, teaches... well, never mind! He's really funny, but in a twisted dark way. And he's really smart. Too smart to be a teacher, almost. And, um, he's really mean, but not evil. And I just... really like him. What should I do?

Lo- I mean Sincerely,

Confused Hufflepuff

Dear Confused,

Come down to the potions lab after curfew any time! I'll show you how Slytherins rock! But lose the stammer, sweetie. It's extremely unattractive. And don't wear Huff-and-Puff colors. They make you look like a bee.

Yours,

Professor Snape


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Readers,

Yes, it is I again. Professor Snape, the Potions master. The old coot widely known as Dumbledore has forced me to continue this pointless "advice" column. Hopefully, there shall be several opportunities to humiliate students through this bothersome thing. Now, the "Ask Snape". All these questions have been either owled directly to me, or submitted in reviews of this column. My bothersome scribe Moz would like me to explain that as this was originally published in The Quibbler, the questions that were submitted as reviews to this column came from there.

Drear Professor Snape,

Don't take this the wrong way but, DO YOU EVER WASH YOUR HAIR?

Sincerely,

A griffindor 6th year

Dear Griffindor,

Oh, dear. In Gryffindor and you can't spell your house's name! For shame. And why did you begin the letter with "drear"? You Gryffindors are all numb-skulls. As for the question, yes, I do indeed wash my hair. I would tell you why it's oily, but I don't answer to young children.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snape,

One of my friends likes a certain teacher. She can't stop staring at him during class and always misses the instructions. Lately she's been talking about stalking him in the dungeons and after curfew. How can I convince her this is a BAD idea, because he's a snarky git to everyone except his house?

Sincerely,

Concerned 'Puff

Dear Concerned,

The simple answer is, you can't. For, you see, this is a very good idea your friend has had. Stalking said teacher is certain to win his affections and win her good grades in Potions class! However, if you meddle and try to destroy her chances with said teacher, you shall be forced to repeat Potions class due to failing it. Again... and again... and again. And neither of us want that, now do we?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape.

Dear Professor Snape,

Rumors around the common house say Hermione Granger has a crush on you. Is this true?

Sincerely,

Confuzzled Gryffindor

Dear Confuzzled,

What exactly is a "common house"? Is it similar to a common room? As for your question, unless Miss Granger has suddenly joined Hufflepuff, no.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

What is the best technique to use to forget something extremely disturbing. I've just witnessed Mr. Hagrid and Professor McGonnagal, both severly inebriated, stumble towards his hut while sharing a drunken kiss. I would like to be obliviated but I trust no one enough to do it. Any suggestions?

From 'Traumatized Ravenclaw'

P.S. Did you just proposition yourself to 'Confused Hufflepuff'? I mean, she/he clearly is infatuated with you and you invite him/her to come down to the dungeons and show them how Slytherin's 'rock'! Clearly thats and innuendo, unless I missed something...?

Dear Traumatised,

Hmm, this is a tricky situation. I think the best thing to do is to tell everyone you know all about this... incident. Mention it- loudly- in front of the entire staff. The more people you tell, the less horrified you will be by this tragic incident. Feel free to embellish the details. You've made a great start by getting it published in this article, but tell everyone. And Minerva, congratulations on your recent drunken relationship! I'm glad to see you're finally getting over Dumbledore. You and Hagrid will have loud, ugly babies.

Sincerely,

Proffessor Snape

P.S.- Yes, yes I did. Thank you for picking up on that. Feel free to join us after hours tonight! See, I just propositioned myself to you, too.

Snivellous,

Please don't take this the wrong way but were you emo as a child? Because black really doesn't suit you, makes your skin WAY paler, and why do you have such a fear of soap suds? Plus I'm really curious about your hatred of all Gryffindors, they wouldn't hate you so much if you weren't... you.

~Padfoot

Dear Stupid Idiotic Whiny Wimpy Numb-Skulled Thick-Headed Jerk Who Helped Kill Lily Evans and James Potter,

No, I was not "emo" as a child, and still am not. I'm in eternal mourning. There's a difference, stupid. And I do not fear soap suds. And I don't hate all Gryffindors. Only awful, stupid, moronic, nasty, cruel, slimy ones like you, you piece of filth! You disgust me.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Didn't Get Everything Handed To Them And Who Karma Was Really A Jerk To But Who Still Came Out A Good Person Who Has Actual Feelings, Not Just Stupidity

Dear Professor Snape,

Are you Jewish? I have to say that lovely schnoz you have is very foretelling.

Sincerely,

That Jewish Slytherin

P.S. It's a very handsome feature, don't let anyone tell you otherwise; they're just jealous.

Dear Jewish,

No, I am not Jewish. I shun all forms of religion and all its hypocrisy. I do appreciate the comments about my nose, though.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

If you were allowed to kill Harry Potter, aka 'the brat who wouldn't die', how would you do it?

Signed,

Dragon MoonX

Dear Dragon,

I would begin by tying him up. Then I would share many juicy details of every wrong thing his germ of a father ever did. By this point he would be getting on my nerves, so I would tape his mouth closed. After this point, I would untie one of his hands and use the Imperious Curse on him to make him slap himself. After that, I would use the Imperious Curse to make him re-tie himself! After that, I would use the Cruciatcus Curse to torture him to insanity, all the while mocking him and his father. After I had done this, I would grate hi into tiny pieces and use the tiny bits of Harry Shreds as flour and make myself a nice soufflé. After the soufflé had been cooked, I would use this glorious opportunity to eat said soufflé in celebration of his painful demise.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Have you ever thought of finding a girlfriend? I know Lily was the one you always loved, but you are so sexy that it would be easy for you to find a new lady if you tried. I for one love your sexy voice and beautiful hair. You could always give me a try if you want.

Love,

Silver Star

Dear Silver,

That's... quite creepy, actually. In addition, I do have a girlfriend. Confused Hufflepuff, remember? Merlin, where have you been for the past twenty minutes?

Sincerely

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I am thinking of joining the Dark Lord because he is completely dishy. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think my boyfriend will pay more attention if I take the dark mark?

Love,

Flower in Slytherin

Dear Flower,

To be honest Pansy, I think your boyfriend would pay more attention if you were male. No, I am not suggesting you take a potion! As for the Dark Lord thing, I think you would be far happier as a Voldemort Fan Girl. Allow me to direct your attention to this song.

http:/ www. youtube. com/ watch? v=Qce -R2Gr OwU &feature =related

No spaces.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Greetings, Professor. I was wondering if you ever caught the Dark Lord in any sort of embarassing situation. You know, something funny that you really wanted to laugh over and tell the other Death Eaters about, but you couldn't because you knew that the Dark Lord would kill you if you ever told anyone. That sort of thing.

Sincerely,

Ice Water Moon

Dear Ice,

Yes, yes I have. Once I went to inform him that Bellatrix had spent the entire Death Eater funding buying novelty socks. When I got there he was wearing pink, purple, and green spandex covered in sequins dancing and singing along to Dancing Queen. The Mini Pop Kids cover version. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I heard the Telettubies theme song blasting from the TV. He turned off the CD, sat down cross-legged, and began bobbing his head back and forth singing "Tinky Winky, Dipsy, LaLa, Po! Tellettubies say 'Hello!'" Needless to say, I slowly backed away. He didn't see me.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Readers,

Yes, that crazy old bat is forcing me through this awful little column with your insignificant problems yet again. My overly loud scribe Moz wishes for me to explain that this is the first chapter of Ask Snape that was not previously published in The Quibbler.

To my dear professor who I hope will take absolutely no offense to this,

PEOPLE KEEP SAYING I'M A SLYTHERIN! Ever since I was five, and everyone saw the first movie, people have been saying I should be in Slytherin. I mean, I'm quite proud that I'm ambitious and cunning, but you must realize what that house connotes these days! Whenever my friends and family go "You? You'd be a Slytherin" it seems like they're saying "I really wouldn't be surprised if you joined He Who Shall Not Be Named." I've tried suggesting other houses like me being in Ravenclaw because I'm usually the smart one, or Hufflepuff because loyalty is everything to me, but they just stick with their decision. And don't even get me started on if I say Gryffindor. I mean, of course, let's all just laugh at the girl who's afraid of her own shadow instead of support her in her effort to learn to be brave, right? See, know not all Slytherins are bad, and I know you're one of the good ones, but I can't shake the feeling they are insulting me. I guess I don't have a specific question, per say, but what should I do? Like, should I just accept my fate and embrace all the good qualities of Slytherin? Should I keep trying to change their minds? Should I yell at them for it and risk cementing their opinions of me? Should I just shut up and not let it bother me? This has been going on for ten years now, and when we watched an HP marathon today and both my parents said I was just like Draco, I couldn't take it anymore!

Sincerely,

Why did Harry get out of Slytherin just by asking some stupid hat...a.k.a Em

Dear Em,

Ah, the pains of Slytherin-ism. It's both a blessing and a curse. I feel that you should embrace who you are- yes, hold onto that. I'll never say it again. If you're ambitious and cunning, be proud of it! Never mind whether or not your family and friends have faith in you. YOU need to have faith in you.

...Oh, Godric Gryffindor, Moz's odd thought patterns are becoming contagious! Oh, wait, what's this? You seem to have commented again. Let's see what you have to say...

Ok. Ok, now that was hurtful! I just called one of my friends to see if she agrees with everyone else. She said I wouldn't be put in Slytherin, so I happily asked her which house she thought I'd be put in. She said the nut house. Sitting in a corner. Going "happy thoughts, happy world; happy thoughts, happy world" over and over. Friends. Who needs 'em?

I agree! Friends. They're for losers. Ah, joy, now Moz is crying. Moz, you are my employee, NOT my friend! Be strong, Em my child. You're worth more than your cruel, insensitive friend.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Last year I came out to my father and mother as a lesbian. My parents couldn't accept me so they threw me out. Since then, for every holiday I have been living on the edge of the Forbidden Forest rather than admit what happened.

But I think I am ready to admit it now. What do you think the Headmaster and you all will be able to do to help me? What will my punishment be for being in the Forbidden Forest, an out of bounds area?

Thanks for all your help

A homeless Ravenclaw

Dear Homeless,

Ah, what a difficuly situation. I am quite certain Dumbledore will be most sympathetic. Let me tell you, his relationship with Gilderoy Lockhart? Not platonic. Not at all. Gilderoy will deny this, but in his Hogwarts day he was a member of the Hogwarts branch of the S.G.L.W.(Society of Gay and Lesbian Wizards). Madame Hooch will also be helpful.

You will likely get off relatively scotch-free, as you had nowhere else to go. Dumbledore will be very helpful, I assure you. If telling him doesn't work out, try contacting your local S.G.L.W. They'll be glad to help.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

In order to decide on your offer to come down to the dungeons, I have determined I must assess the 'size' of your proposition. Furthermore, is 'Confused Hufflepuff' accepting of this idea? I look forward to seeing if you are as intellectually stimulating in person as you are in our correspondence through letters.

Sincerely,

Formerly 'Traumatized Ravenclaw'

Dear Formerly,

Lovely. Now I have to make this Third Years and up instead of Appropriate For First Years. Thank you so much. Now fewer people can submit questions.

Confused Hufflepuff will do as I tell her. S/he'd be fine with you, me, Hagrid, and Bellatrix Lestrange so long as I was there.

My proposition is perfectly acceptable, thank you.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Severus,

Multiple students have spread rumours about me that I am a lesbian. Although this is true, I would like it to stop. I have tried taking house points and detention, but they have not stopped. What do you suggest I do?

Sincerly

AQueerQuidditchWitch

Dear AQQW,

By mutiple students I assume you mean Severus Snape?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- We all know the "rumors" are true.

Dear Professor Snape,

I am having trouble with my grades in potions. The main problem is a certain oily haired, silky voiced, cold dark mean sexy teacher, with black eyes that peirce and naw into my soul, and who sometimes scares the heck outta me(Maybe you know him?). I was wondering how I would approach, said Teacher, and ask him for some...extra credit. (Wink,Wink)

Sincerely,

NOT RAULA

Dear Raula,

Honestly, before this column I had no idea how desired I was!

Come on down to the dungeons after curfew. Confused, Traumatised, and I will be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snipe-er, Snape,

thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I have a few questions for you. One, if you're not emo, then are you goth? Or maybe a gothic emo? I would also like to know...what is the most embarrassing thing Lily ever did with you around? Did you stalk Lily on her first date? And my final question before I must end this letter is...why is your hair so long? Okay, I'm done questioning you! Are you happy? Haha! That was another question! :D bye bye!

From,

Curious Witch Princess of Awesomeness from Ravenclaw

Dear Curious,

Again, eternal mourning! Not goth, not emo, not gothic emo!

Lily? She is perfect, and couldn't do something embarrassing if she tried! Of course, she could do anything she wanted to, so she could be embarrassing, but...

Okay, once she picked her nose and ate it when she thought I wasn't looking.

HA, POTTER! YOUR FAMILY ISN'T SO PERFECT NOW, NOW IS IT?

I did not STALK her. I FOLLOWED her, for her own protection. James might have hurt her. Of course, she saw me and slapped me.

My hair is long because in mourning, you do not cut your hair. It was long when I was a teen because... it was a different time. Mullets were cool.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snape,

Your music video reccomendation is the best thing that you have ever done for anyone.

Are you familiar with "Look At Me" by RiddleTM? Or Snape vs. Snape?

Sincerely,

WrockHead

Dear Wrock,

Wonderful, this cursed column has made me be HELPFUL! Dumbles, you will pay.

No, I have not heard of Look At Me. But Snape vs. Snape is my ringtone.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Have you ever entered a room with the phrase 'what the devil is going on here' or said 'thats absurd'. Also, have you ever slept in a coffin or had cookies for breakfast? And why haven't you added me as your facebook friend?

Hugs and butterfly kisses, your Draco.

Nah, just kidding. I ain't Draco! :D

Sincerly,

SlytherinInLoveWithAVPM

Dear AVPM,

Go home, terrorist.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I speak Spanish, so I apologize if there are any mistakes here in my question. I was wondering if you ever cared about Harry Potter. It seems you hate him, but there are some rumourse I've been hearing (and reading too) that say that you have secret crush on The Boy Who Lived. Is it true?

And...why is your hair so oily? And why do you like Defence Against the Dark Arts that much?

Sincerely,

Lobo de Fuego

Dear Lobo,

Huh. Are you a transfer? I wasn't aware anyone at Hogwarts was spoke Spanish.

*shudders at the thought of Snarry* WHAT GOES ON IN YOU PEOPLE'S SICK, TWISTED MINDS?

Ah, being a teenager. Worst six years of my life.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- 1, that's on a need-to-know basis. 2, I love DADA because I love DA. Simple as that.

Dear Professor Snape,

I was just wondering if you ever wear any clothing that isn't black. Do you wear black pajamas to bed? Is your underwear black to match your clothes? Sorry if that last bit was too personal.

Sincerely,

Ice Water Moon

Dear Ice,

I don't believe in bed, all my clothing is black, and do they even MAKE underwear in any other color?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I have two questions for you today.

you ever owned a house elf?

form would a boggart have if you encountered one?

Sincerely,

Dragon MoonX

Dear Dragon,

1. No I have not. But not due to Granger's ridiculus notions about "equality" and "fairness". They're just to cursedly annoying.

2. I'm just going to go with the cop-out answer, since I don't feel like publishing it. I see myself holding a pair of thick woolen socks.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

If you were Headmaster of Hogwarts for real, without a Dark Lord or a two-dimensional Gryffindor pouf breathing down your neck, what changes would you make? You know, firing teachers, changing the curriculum, raising academic standards, tightening up discipline of pranksters, bullies, and other Gryffindors, and generally dragging that antique institution at least partway into the twentieth century. I assume Sybill Trelawney's days would be numbered. And do kids really need five years of Herbology, or is that just a way to avoid having to hire a gardening staff?

Dear... You don't include your name. Or whom you are addressing. Work on this.

I'd immediatly fire that Trelawney woman. First thing I'd even think about. I'd also fire the midget. His voice is just so... squeaky! It annoys me. Bullies and pranksters get expelled after three offenses. Their detentions are pathetic. Ghost can find a new place to haunt. The students do NOT need Herbology beyond third year, and divination is an utter waste. I'd teach them more about basic math and science, as well as Muggle devices such as automobiles, computers, and televisions. They need to know how to survive in the Muggle world, just in case. And math is never unneccesary. Also, dark arts would be studied more carefully, and good grades would be more difficult to get.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- My scribe Moz wants me to include this. She adores you and your hilarious reviews, and you are one of her main role models. She has long awaited the day you reviewed one of her stories. She, embarrassinly, actually cried with joy when she saw you asked a question.

Dear Professor Snape,

What do you mean where have I been the last twenty minutes? Where have YOU been all of my life? You proposition yourself to that Hufflepuff girl, and yet you won't let someone like me into your life? I think you're the most intelligent, handsome, and sophisticated man I've ever laid eyes on. I understand the subtle beauty of the Dark Arts, as well as the fine art of potion making. My dear sexy little half-blood prince, don't you think we'd make a charming couple?

Still loving you,

Silver Star

Dear Silver,

...I will not dignify that with a response.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Severus,

I was wondering what you did to my last batch of Wolfsbane Potion, because drinking it caused all of my fur to fall out during my last transformation. Tonks had to resort to putting a large doggie sweater on me to keep me from freezing to death. So I'm wondering what you did and if it was a joke, because I do not find it funny at all.

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

Dear Remus,

Tsk, tsk, not very good at keeping the whole "werewolf" thing quiet, are we? I mean, this must be during third year, right? I wasn't making your potion when Tonks and you were a couple. Re-read the books, my dear.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

I was wondering if you have ever met a Slytherin you didn't like? In addition, I was hoping you could tell me if you've ever seen someone with an apparent crush on you. (Not that I can understand why anyone would...) Also, as "Confuzzled Gryffindor" pointed out, does Hermione Granger have a crush on you? Quite juicy if she did. Perfect for my section in the Daily- Oops, getting off track here.

Sincerely,

Not Rita Skeeter

Dear Rita,

Honestly, sweetheart, you are not good at going undercover. Read earlier in my column for details about my many love affairs. None of which involved Hermione Granger.

And Rita, apparently if you were a Hogwarts student between the ages of 12-15, you would have a crush on me. That's one thing this column as taught.

I love Slytherins, every last one.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Gorgeous,

Are you sure that you and Sirius were never ... a little bit more than friends (if you get my drift)?

P.S - Are you going to proposition yourself to me? Please, oh please, oh please?

Love,

XxXRegretXxX

Dear Regret,

NEVER! I am horrified at the thought.

And fine, I'll proposition myself to you as well, but only because Moz says you're her "BOAFEIEBITE", whatever that means.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Is Professor Snape really that hard to type? No it isn't.

Dear Sev,

As you know, there are way too many annoying people in the world. As a result, I have decided to do us all a favor and get rid of a few of them. Any suggestions of who to start with and how to make it look like an accident?

Also, did you know Malfoy insults Harry's mother on a regular basis? The word "Mudblood" comes up quite often while he's doing this too. Did you know?

Sincerely,

Slytherin Pride

PS: Seriously, Sev? A Hufflepuff as your girlfriend? You could do so much better.

Dear Slytherin,

Begin with Potter. Stab him with an icicle, the weapon will melt and you'll get off scotch-free. Continue this with Lucius, Bellatrix, Dumbledore, and Trelawney.

I did not know that. Were he not my godson and a student here, I would be very angry. Violently so. Maybe it's time I found some icicles...

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Yes, but I've got about five other girl joining us. It'll be extremely enjoyable. Care to join us?

Dear Professor Snape,

Before you realized you loved Lily Evans, what was your patronus? And if you were an animagus, what do you think you would be?

Sincerly,

102 Year Old Person

P.S- Now, I'm not a child. And probably older than you, therefore, you have to answer to me. Why is your hair SO oily?

Dear 102,

I loved Lily from the time I met her. Since I wasn't casting patronuses before Hogwarts, it was always the same. And a tiger, because they're powerful and merciless.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Curses! Fine, at least of I get this out in the open people will stop HARRASSING me about it. I do indeed bathe, but since I work in potions I'm around steaming cauldrons all day. It's a side affect.

Dear Prof Snape,

I'm wondering if you are heterosexual or bi? I know you are probably messing around with that Huffelpuff bitch but what do you think about harry? Maybe all your behaviour is only a camouflage?

But if it's not a camouflage I would be very interested in meeting you private after a potion class.

Sincerely,

Mysterious Slytherin aka What'sthat toyou

Dear Mysterious,

I hate Harry. Fine. Four thirty sharp tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

My question is kind of more like three in one.

1. Can you speak more then one language?

2. do you have a photographic memory?

3. are you an animagus?

Love, Ravenclaw 4th year

Dear Ravenclaw,

1. Yes, I speak 27 fluently.

2. There's no such thing.

3. No I am not.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

What is the square root of 186,826?

Sincerely,

Smarticle

Sorry about saying "common house" in my last review. I meant common room :P.

Dear Smarticle,

432.2337330658032

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- You are forgiven


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Readers,

Thank you, oh students and faculty, for only sending me three letters. Hopefully this awful thing will fade out of existence and I will be able to move on with my life!

dear honeybun,

boxers, briefs or commando?

love always,

sevvieforever

Dear S-Se-Sev... I can't bring myself to type it(or rather, to let Moz type it),

Boxers? NO.

Briefs? NO.

Commando? NO.

Sincerely,

_**Professor Snape**_

Dear professor snape,

when do you think padfoot will confess his love to moony?

A yaoi fangirl

Dear Yaoi,

*yawns* I couldn't care less what those two dunderhe- wait, did you say Sirius Black is in love with Remus Lupin? Sirius Black the wanted criminal is in love with a werewolf?

Hello? Is this Rita, Rita Skeeter? From the Daily Prophet? Boy, do I have some news for you...

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Eh, 5th or 6th year, Marauders Era.

Snape, will I get laid tonight?

Lovely, now how am I supposed to know who you are? SIGN YOUR NAME, PEOPLE!

But if you come down the the dungeons, yes you will. I'll expect you there about midnight tonight.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Readers,

Ah, lovely. Another chapter. When will you people get hobbies and stop re- wait, I guess this is your hobby. Well then. Get jobs or something. Find something to do with your time other than torture me!

Professor Snape,

Who do you hate the most, Harry Potter, Sirius Black, or Dumbledore? Which one would you have sex with first?

Dear Person Who Doesn't Include Their Name,

That's a difficult question. Well, Harry Potter is a dunderhead, but he is a child. Dumbledore is cruel and manipulative, and he has all the power in the world. But he did give me a job when no one else would, and he kept me out of Azkaban. At a high cost, though. Sirius Black is a nasty, withdrawn, sulky, useless man. I'd gave to say I hate Dumbledore most, though. I still hate Sirius, though.

None of them. I'd sooner take the dementor's kiss.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape.

P.S.- Remember to write Dear before my name, and incluse your name. Dunderheads.

Dear Old Bat From Hell,

I have two questions for you...

What the bloody hell is your hair so greasy?

and...

Will you EVER get laid?

Dear Other Person Who Doesn't Include Their Name,

If you don't read the previous chapters before you ask your question, how can you expect me to answer it. Seriously, read the previous chapters.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

If you were in a position to hand Dumbles your letter of resignation and stop teaching dunderheads, what would you like to do? Teach at NEWT level only? Take on a few truly gifted Potions grad students? Independent research with no teaching duties? Publication? How about a new edition of "Advanced Potions" to replace the one that was outdated when you were a student? Or maybe you'd prefer to open an owl-order business— Complex, Exotic, and Custom Potions by S. Snape. What's your dream career away from the brats? Something ambitious, I'm sure. You ARE a Slytherin, after all.

Thank you for the excellent answer to my question in Chapter Three about your plans for changes at Hogwarts. Sorry I didn't read it until today. Next time you see Moz, pass along my thanks for her enjoyment of my reviews. Not everyone likes my sense of humor, but you know how that is. People who put their stuff up on the internet (or ask questions in potions class) have no business being sensitive. If they can't take the heat, they should get out of the potions lab.

Very Small Prophet.

Dear Very,

Ah, if I didn't have to teach Dunderheaded brats. Well, I certainly would not teach under any circumstances. Not even NEWT level. I have had my fill of any and all teaching. There is a chance that if I happened upon a truly gifted graduate of Hogwarts who wanted to develop new potions and learn more about the art of potion making in general, I would take them on as my apprentice, but I would never teach another class.

If I could do anything, it would be independant research. There are so many potions taht, with a little time, effort, and genius, could be made so much better, and hundred, no thousands, of new potions begging to be made. Custom potions of my own creation.

After doing plenty of research, it would be nice to make a new Advanced Potions. After all, if I could improve, at age sixteen, the Advanced Potions text so much that Potter could become a star student, imagine how much I could revolutionize potion-making now.

You are welcome. It's a refreshing change of pace to see a well-thought-out question, not another offer of sex from a fourteen year old, a question about my hair, or Sirius Black/Hermione Granger/Harry Potter.

I passed it along to Moz. She said, and I quote "Squeeeeeeee! Yay! Very Small Prophet thanked me! *claps hands eight times very quickly*".

Sincerely,

Professor Snape


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Readers,

I BEG you not to review, and what do you do? You REVIEW. Lovely. It's like you have some sort of organization. The Let's Drive Snape Into Cardiovascular Arrest Club! Let's get this over with, shall we?

Oh, Moz would like to ask you all to be patient with her grammar and spelling mistakes- English isn't her first language. Well, actually it is, but she isn't fluent in it.

Dear Snapie-kins,

Why aren't you responding to my love letters? I assure you, not to sound suspicious, of course, but these aren't laced with Amortensia. I pinky-promise.

Loves and kisses,

A Secret Admirer.

Dear Secret,

How... comforting. And how can I respond if they're signed "A Secret Admirer"? You pinky promise? As opposed to green-y promising? You Muggles confuse me.

Sincerely,

PROFESSOR SNAPE

Professor Snape,

What is your opinion on Snarry? Do you like it? - hate it? - explain in full details, please.

Sincerely,

CuriousRavenclaw

Dear Curious,

I DESPISE Drarry. I detest, loathe, abhor Snarry.

In full details? The idea of any sort of details about Snarry frightens me, so I will simply make a list of why Snarry is wrong.

1. I am straight. I cannot comment on the sexuality of Mr. Potter, but I am not gay.  
>And if I were, don't you think I could do so much better?<p>

2. No matter what you people seem to believe, student-teacher relationships do not happen. Ever. Under no circumstances. None.

3. Me and Potter? Dead Wizard God, his skinny little body and his awful hair(yes, I CAN comment on the state of someone else's hair. Because the chicks love me) and his disgusting little glasses and ME in the same bed? No. Just no.

4. Snarry just sounds weird. It reminds me of fur-covered snot.

5. I have legions of better offers sitting around Hogwarts. Such as Confused Hufflepuff.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

severus,

Why do yo always take points from gryffindor?why page 394?

-alwaysSlytherin

PS why shag huufflpffs?

Dear Always,

YOU are a Slytherin? What a disgrace. You capitalize the S in Severus. And is it really so difficult to type Sincerely? Even Yours Truly would do. And if you were a true Slytherin, you'd know that Gryffindors are disgusting and must have points taken away constantly to eep them in their place. And... well, because page 394 was the page with information about werewolves on it. And we were studying werewolves that day. It could have just as easily been page 422 or page 87.

Sincerely, 

Professor Snape

P.S.- Because I can.

Oh hai honey pie,

You might need some background info first. YOU ARE MY FAVORITE TEACHER. I wish you could be my teacher at school instead, siriusly. Haha, get it? I just have one simple question prof, and I was just wondering if there's been anyone who's, uh, had romantic feelings for you during your days as a Hogwarts student. How did s/he tell you, if ever? There must be at least one, 'cause you're really smart and all, and I bet you'd make an awesome BFF! XD

~Your bestest friend 3

Dear Bestest,

Er... ahem. Wow. You're rather frightening. What on Earth is a hai? And unfortunately, I do get it.

During my last year, there was this odd little fourth year continously following me around. Had these odd glasses. You know the kind I'm talking about- the kind that look like someone ate 37 pounds of glitter and stick-on jewels then puked it all up on Percy Weasley's glasses. I believe they were a Huff-and-Puff, but I can't say for certain. Never actually SPOKE to me, mostly just followed me around and slapped anyone they felt was insulting the glorious name of Snape.

That was pretty much it as far as romantic interest during my Hogwarts years ever got. Apparently becoming a professor upped my sexy factor about 73%.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Professor Snape

Have you ever thought about getting a pet? What would it be? Also, if you had a muggle job, what would you do?

Crazy girl

Dear Crazy,

I did briefly consider getting a rabbit, but as soon as I bought one and brought them home, they animagi'd back to human and ran out. That put an end to it. Never actually found out who the rabbit was. If I had a Muggle job... police interrogator.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear(Do I really have to say it?) Professor Snape,

I just spotted this...thing randomly, and decided to at least view it. It's hilarious, I have to admit; The way you get humiliated a lot by those personal questions. I think I should give this a try, haha.

Alright, I have three questions:

1. Despite many comments about you and Potty, I find it extremely unflattering... to you. *aherm* I-I dislike those.. delusions, so I say... are you sure you really hate James Potter? I feel like there's something you haven't been telling us, and they say "the more you hate, the more you love". Should I ready the Veritaserum?

2. What do you do with your free time? You never talk much about your personal life, and I doubt there has been anyone bold enough (or stupid enough) to ask you.

3. Would you have rather be stuck with James Potter in a closet for two hours, or sit through a potions class with that scatter-brained Longbottom without saying a word to him all through out?

And that's it. Just wait 'till my father hears about this! He'll be sure to find this an interesting read, you'll see.

-Awesome Slytherin Prince

Dear Awesome,

Yes, you really do have to say it. I'll tell Dubledore how "hilarious" everyone seems to find my humiliation. I'm sure he'll be tickled pink. Sadists, the lot of you.

1. OH MY DEAD WIZARD GOD, NO! I AM NOT IN ANY WAY ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN JAMES POTTER! And just to clear the air, I am also not romantically interested in Harry Potter. Or Sirius Black. Or Draco Malfoy.

And psh, like anyone who believes I was interested in James Potter could actually brew Veritaserum.

2. I read, make potions, refuse lemon drops, make the occasional custard (don't look so shocked, everyone needs a good custard once in a while), wonder how someone of my talents and capabilities ended up teaching dunderheaded First Years how to stir their cauldrons.

3. Longbottom, easily. If I were stuck with James Potter, neither of us would come out alive. That would be both good for the world(James Potter is a worthless bully) and bad for the world(what would all you fangirls love if I weren't around? Edward Cullen?)

I hope your father enjoys.

Sincerely, 

Professor Snape


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Readers,

You cannot imagine the utter joy I feel. This is lovely, simply lovely. More of this accursed Ask Snape! The pure bliss. Please, please, please stop this cruel insanity! I'm begging, and I rarely beg. Here it goes, I suppose. Please, let this be the last chapter.

Dear Professor Snape,

Since you have no love for Snarry, how do you feel about Drarry? If Harry and Malfoy got together?

Sincerely,

Curious Ravenclaw

Dear Curious,

Oh, dear Merlin, help us. POTTER and my GODSON? Do you people have nothing, NOTHING, better that you can do with your time? It's sad and pathetic to spend your days like this.

Stop crying, Moz. I don't CARE if you think they'd be a cute couple. I don't CARE that there's a song about them snogging in a tree. Oh, shut up. Why are you still my typist? Oh, right, because Dumbledore hired you. Why did he do that? Oh, right, because you bought him a bag of lemon drops.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Proffesor Snape

I really wanted to send a question but i cannot think of any so...

How are you today?

Viper

Dear Viper,

Do you really need to ask? I'm annoyed with classes full of dunderheads, I'm exausted because I cannot sleep, and when I do get a half hour here and there it's plauged with nightmares, I feel nervous about pretending to be evil and hoping that Voldemort won't catch on, I'm filled with regret because I am forced to look at the Potter boy EVERY DAY, I'm full of guilt and remorse over Lily's death...

And you people blame me for being a nasty teacher!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Hello Professor Snape,

Sorry 'bout that. I guess I got kind of...excited. And "hai" is actually another form of saying hi? Well, if you say hai, it's like your saying it with sort of an accent, instead of it being ordinary and all.."Hi." Isn't it boring?

Is it fun being a professor? Hmm, do you think I should become a professor too? I'd like to teach Arithmancy, but unfortunately I get nervous when I'm handling children. And I find it really annoying when I have to re-explain algebraic expressions more than 2 times to people who seem to have crap for brains. Really gets on my nerves.

P.S: Didn't mean to act creepy and all. Sorry~

- PeanutButterxJelly-shipper

Dear Peanut,

Creepy reviews are the most amusing, I suppose. Hai- I will have to make note of that. Perhaps I can use it at the next Death Eater meeting.

Being a Professor is TORTURE. Pure and utter TORTURE. The ATTITUDE those little brats have!

Being able to study without interuption is a priviledge, an utter priviledge, and those brats brush it off like it's nothing. They are so lucky to be able to spend all their time, or quite a bit of it, working with professors, each of whom is an expert in their field, save Trelawney, who are dedicated to helping them better their magic and improve their skills. And what do they do? Spend classes fidgeting, whispering, staring at the door. It's TORTURE to watch.

I advise you to do something else with your time. You have the world in front of you. Why waste your time on dunderheaded teenagers?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Credit for pieces of my speech go to moonbird. If you are a fan of mine, read her fanfiction Second Chance A New Choice. It's one of the very few fanfictions about me that I approve of.

Dear Professor Snape,

If you weren't a professor at Hogwarts, what would you be? I'm really curious actually..And, what do the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord do in their spare time? (Besides terrorizing people, that is)

Any hilarious moments or slip-ups?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I answered what I would be in a previous chapter. It was eventually decided that I would likely re-write the potions textbook. For more details, read the chapter.

The Death Eaters have a vast array of hobbies. Lucius and Bella act like children, Rodulphus gets hexed by Bellatrix when she's bored with making snide comments to Lucius, Lucius runs a spa and beauty salon in the basement of our headquarters, Pettigrew makes sock dolls and cheese, Rodulphus does yo-ypo tricks when Bella is done with him, and we all hold regular board game tournaments. We also occassionally play Truth or Dare, but it never ends well.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Have you met Scabior?

If so, what do you think of him?

Sincerely,

Dragon MoonX

Dear Dragon,

Nasty, petty, foul-smelling little thing.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I overheard the some boys conversing about an incident in which they were forced to pick the lock to a cupboard under the stairs so that another could get his trunk. Would you consider it at all normal for a student's relatives to be locking up his school things?

Sincerely, A concerned Hogwarts student.

P.S. I also heard the boys say the student's bedroom door was locked from the outside.

Dear Concerned,

It may be that the student was using his magic things to cause trouble, and the family merely wanted to avoid his expulsion, but the idea that his door was locked from the outside is most troubling.

Perhaps you should speak to the boy's head of house about this? Make sure, though, that you heard correctly and that the boy's were not simply joking around.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I have two questions

What was the most awkard thing that ever happened to you?

Do you know about Starkid Potter?

Sincerely,Pigfarts Pigfarts Yum Yum Yum.

Dear Pigfarts,

It was awkward watching Lord Voldemort dance to the minipop kids in spandex, but the most awkward thing that ever happened to me was when Bella got decidedly drunk and attempted to seduce me. Sure, she has avoided me since, but I'll never forget that crazed look in her eyes and the way she said my name. The horror.

Yeah, Bellatrix, that's what you get when you doubt MY loyalty to the Dark Lord. I mean, you had good reason to, but even so.

I have indeed heard of Starkid. The musicals were actually quite amusing. I especially loved Mama Umbridge. That alone got me through The Year of Umbridge.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Why must you disobey me Severus?

How dare you tell everyone about my dancing and singing Tellytubbies hobby!

After the next Death Eater meeting you shall be punished!

Oh and would you prefer a banana or a chocolate milkshake for the meeting?

The Dark Lord.

Dear Dark Lord,

I was under strict orders from Dumbledore to not lie about anything. He even made me write with this quill that MAKES you tell the truth. I had no choice!

What, we're out of strawberry? Bellatrix has been eating all the berries again, hasn't she? I suppose I'll have to go with banana.

Sincerely,

Your Servant Severus Snape

Dear Sev,

I've got a couple questions:

1) Why did you call Lily a Mudblood back in your fifth year when she was just trying to help you, hmm?

2) What would you say if I told you I KNEW that Sirius Black did indeed fancy you?

3)Why did you always hurt Neville's feelings? JUST BECAUSE HE'S NOT AS GOOD IN POTIONS AS YOU ARE, DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT AN AMAZING PERSON!

And my last question:

4)Have you ever read the fanfiction "My Immortal"? It mentions quite a bit, you know. You're known as "Snap", by the way.

Love you to bits,

ProudGryffinor

P.S Why would in the bloody hell would you go for a Hufflepuff? Everyone knows they're pushovers.

Dear Proud,

1) I suppose YOU never said anything you regret when you were an embarrassed, annoyed teenager, hmm?

2) I imagine I'd say something like "Haven't I been tortured enough?" and then mock Black for the rest of my days.

3) You know, Neville and Potter were born around the same time. If Voldemort had chosen Neville, it would be Alice dead right now. And goodness, when you write in caps you sound like Moz!

4) I have indeed read it. I wish I could say I haven't, but I have. Snap? Really, Tara? REALLY?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- You just answered your own question.

Professor Snape

You seemed to be so delighted by the prospect of more reviews that i knew i had to give one.

1- HOW do you know about Edward Cullen?

2- If you could have three wishes what would they be?

3- You have stated that you are interested in Harry, James, Malefoy Jr or Sirius- But this just BEGS the question- what about Remus Lupin? *laughs evilly*

4- What are you getting Dumbledore for christmas? I wouldn't recomend socks beacause why would he tell dorky Harry what he really saw in the mirror?

5- If you had evidence that Lily's son was being abused would you do anything about it?

Insincerely

Slytherin Chibie

p.s. Chibie means child by the way

Dear Chibie,

Wonderful. You cannot imagine the pure joy I feel.

1- I imagine the same way as you do- I read those awful books.

2- For Lily to be alive and happy, to not have to work for That Man in the Headmaster's Office, and a never-ending Creme Brule.

3- I am not interested in ANY of them! For what, the fourth time, I AM IN ETERNAL MOURNING! You don't date while you're in mourning!

4- I am getting him the one type of candy he cannot stand- licorice wands. DOZENS of them!

5- Of course I would. I would do something if the Orange One were being abused! Child abuse is something even BLACK shouldn't have to suffer. I'd help anyone being abused even if I hated them passionately.

Equally insincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

A good chapter but the important questions have yet to be asked:

What made you decide to use the word dunderhead and do you have a magical item in the form of a hammer that when you hit someone on the head with it a sqeek or eep sound is made and the person has a dunce cap on with dunderhead on it instead which forces the person to sit in the corner or look at the wall and think about why they are a dunderhead.

Second, how does your robes billow is it a charm or a potion, family magic from the Prince family I must know as its very cool and way better than the Headmaster going twinkle or tinkle if he is far away from the room of requirment or a bathroom.

Third, Do you feel pain when Fawkes sings thus making you dark or evil and have you ever used any part of Fawkes in a potion.

Fourth, If you had a chocolate frog card (and you should) what would it say?

Fifth, Do you have any children people don't know about, I tried asking the Goblins and they swore at me and told me to mind my own business. Are you on good terms with the Goblins and why.

6th, Do you make your own booze or moonshine and if so how many teachers have gone blind or needed the stone from the stomach of a goat to survive.

7th How did you become Draco's Godfather have you been sleeping with his mum? and does Lucius know and watch through a two way mirror?

8th Do you gain any special abilites or magic being the Head of Slytherin like being able to talk to snakes as the Head of Slyerin after Salazar would find life difficult if every password was parsal.

9th Other than the Dark Mark do you have any other ink or body art.?

10. When was the last time you had a hug?

11. Why don't Hogwart's do parents evenings and are you responsible for them not being held.

Sorry for all the questions but I had to know.

Dear Person Who Should Learn To Include Their Name,

I do not, but if you get me one for Christmas you will get O's on every potions test you take for the rest of your life! And I use dunderhead for the same reason you likely use the word stupid or idiot or moron- it's just the word that comes to mind.

Second, they billow because I got swag. I agree about the Headmaster twinkling. Who does he think he is, Edward Cullen 2.0?

Third, I do not feel pain when Fawkes sings, and I have used his feathers in potions more than once.

Fourth, it would say "Severus Snape: Former Hogwarts student, Graduated with straight O's, noted for his revision of many standard potions, his invention of the sectumsempra curse, and for being a double agent and spy for the light side during the Second Wizarding War."

Fifth, I have no children. None. Well, actually, I might have one I know nothing about. I did have a mad game with the ladies back when I was a Death Eater. Heck, I still do! And the goblins adore me. I once made a potion that cured them of a life threatening illness only goblins can get.

6th, I do make my own moonshine, and a total of seventeen teacher have suffered terrible consequences from drinking it. Two also died. They can't hold their liquor like I can, I suppose.

7th, No! Nonononononono! I am merely a friend of the family's. Draco became my godson because- well, who else would they choose, the Notts?

8th, No, you gain no powers, other than the power to expell students and give off an aura of power.

9th, No. No I do not have any other- well, there is that one skull on my chest, but... look, I was confused and lonely and I wanted to seem cool, okay?

10. Er, maybe twenty years ago? Twenty-five?

11. I am responsible. I hate the little brats, but I hate their parents more, especially the ones that glare at me suspiciously. I bought Dumbledore a few hundred lemon drops, and he was putty in my hands.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Readers,

SAVE ME! Someone, anyone, help me! Moz is on a sugar rush. She just ate 97 of these Muggle candies she calls "Pixie Stix". I have a feeling this will not end well. She has a wild look in her eyes...

Snapie-kins,

Not the color, silly! The smallest finger on any hand is called the pinky.

Also, darling, please stop blasting The Mudbloods "Pensive Full of Unrequited Love".

You need to move on, sweetheart.

Love,

A Secret Admirer

(Dear Sir - I apologize for my employer. She is... Unwell? At any rate, please give my apologies to Moz for not PMing her back...

I am ever in your service.

T.A.S.E)

Dear Secret,

Shut up.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear T.A.S.E.,

I understand. So is mine. Moz says it's fine, just PM her when you get a chance.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Prof. Snape,

Haha, I read this chapter and I almost fell off my chair when I read the Drarry part. :D

But I agree with Moz that they make a wonderful couple! I suppose I haven't mentioned before that I've heard some disturbing conversations between Harry and Draco; and not with the usual "Pothead" and other nicknames that they call each other... Maybe they're just pretending that they hate each other? :)))) And haven't you considered the fact that Draco doesn't seem to show any interest for his many female admirers?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

No! No, no, no! Not after all the times I've dragged him back to bed after curfew! His OWN bed, for all you odd people. Not mine. It's very sad that I have to clarify that, but you all have questionable minds. I don't want you getting any ideas.

But Draco would TELL me if he was romantically involved that, that, that... dunderhead! He's me GODSON, for crying out loud!

You truly overheard... no! You simply dislike Draco and are trying to humiliate him publicly. I'll take 50 points from your house for that(unless you are in Slytherin, in which case 50 points to Slytherin for your skillful creative writing).

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor

Why don't you bribe Dumbledore with lemondrops to get out of writing the column?

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship with any of the other teachers? If you had to be in a relationship with one who would it be?

Do you prefer mint or fruity gum?

Sincerely,

Abc

Dear Abc,

Because, my child, Dumbledore loves publicly humiliating people more than he loves lemon drops. Believe me, if I could convince Dumbledore to do anything I liked simply by buying him bags and bags of lemon drops, I'd have another job.

No. No I have not. If I had to... Sybil Trelawney. She barely ever comes down from her drunk and foggy tower. I'd barely ever see her.

I hate gum. It unneccesarily rots your teeth. I am absolutely vigilant about oral health. I brush four times a day, with four different toothpastes, I floss after every meal, and I use mouthwash and whitening strips. My teeth are absolutely sexy.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Severus Snape,

Was Lily Evans your first? ...You KNOW what I'm talking about... ;) *wink wink*

Sincerely, The girl with the purple converse

Dear Purple,

No, no she was not. We never did that. We never even kissed!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snape,

I know what you did last summer.

Sincerely, I KNOW.

Dear KNOW,

Ah, how terrifying. You know that I spent the summer brewing potions and reading in my chambers. How scandelous. Call the Daily Prophet.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

What's the worst thing you saw in Harry Potter's mind while you were teaching him occlumency? I'm sure we would ALL love some dirt on that whiney little scrub...

Sincerely, Moxy

P.S.

Tell Moz to put page breaks between responses; its starting to get annoyingly hard to read.

Dear Moxy,

The whiney little scrub has a crush on Cho Chang... or so it is commonly believed. He also had a crush on tht Edward Cullen lookalike, Cedric Diggory. Yes, he had a crush on the resident Huff-n-Puff fairy lord.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- She would does put page breaks, but they vanish every time she uploads. Her computer is from the nineties, which may have something to do with it.

Dear Professor Snape,

...What IS that mysterious ticking noise...?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The tell-tale heart, of course. What else would it be?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

You're really right; most students hate school and don't appreciate education anymore nowadays. I'm not saying that I LOVE going to school, but in my country it's very hard to be able to afford good education. I have seen so many children; CHILDREN working and going around the streets, begging for some sickles or even a few knuts just so they can at least have one or two days of education. It's really disappointing. Anyways, I have another question for you...

What kind of music do you like? I mean, everyone likes music, right? Even those who are eternally in mourning or whatever.

Cheers,

PeanutButterxJelly-shipper

Dear Peanut,

You are one of many to ask that question. And by many, I mean two.

I actually quite enjoy musical theatre. It takes one's mind off one's problems.

And ah, life in a developing country. It pains me that the children with an amazing education whine about having to attend classes while the children who want it so desperately cannot have it.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- I apologize if you are NOT in a developing country, but that is the general tone I got from your letter.

Hmm...I suppose I did answer my own question about the Hufflepuffs...

Well, here's another couple questions for you to ponder on:

1) If you were to kill Dumbledore, what would be your prefered way of doing it?

2) If you had to chose one of the Marauders to be friends with, who would it be?

3) Did you ever think of going up to Lily and telling her that you loved her? What would you say?

4) Name one time where YOU embarrassed JAMES POTTER, please, in full detail.

Love more then the whole wide world!,

ProudGryffindor

Dear Proud,

I believe you mean THAN, not THEN. Then is used in sentences like "I then walked into the classroom." Than is used in sentences like "I like peanut butter better than cream cheese."

1) I would tie him up and force him to listen to Dumbledore bashing fanfictions for hours and hours until he died of misery and shame.

2) Remus Lupin. He's the only half-decent of the lot. James Potter was a bully, Sirius Black is prejudiced against the majority of Purebloods and against ALL Slytherins simply because his family was the worst of the Slytherin Pureblood lot, and Peter Pettigrew is spineless. Remus Lupin lets himself be walked all over, but he does have something of a mind and isn't so quick to judge.

3) I did often think of doing so. I imagine I'd start with something like "I love you, Lily." I'd likely tell her that I'd always loved her, with all my heart, from the moment I met her, and that I missed her so much I felt like my heart was breaking, and that she was so right and I was so wrong and I was so, so sorry. I would also likelely tell her that I didn't care about the other Slytherins, I only cared about her. Then I'd likely give her a lily. A white Lily-of-the-Valley. They were always her favorite.

4) It was during third year, when James Potter was attempting to ask Lily to Hogsmead. I was annoyed about the fact that he wouldn't leave Lily alone, and was rather upsetting her. At that point, his advances still irritated her. So I simply cast a small charm I'd recently developed as he was walking over to her(the charm was far from complete, and was rather weak at the time, but since I put so much emotion into it, it actually worked. He stumbled over his feet while he was "swaggering" in that awful, arrogant, James Potter way. He attempted to regain balance, but began to skid along the floor, sliding along like... something very slidy. Like a baby going down a very greasy slide. He crashed straight into the table, breaking it, and his face landed in a bowl full of Cream of Wheat. And despite the fact that he had just broken a table and his face was covered in Muggle cereal that Dumbledore had ordered in because Minerva is rather fond of it, he had the nerve to stick his face up out of the bowl and say "Say, Evans, would you like to go to Hogsmead with me?" She replied "No, James Potter, you arrogant prat! I hate you, and besides, I'm going with Severus!" and stalked away. It was the best moment of my life.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I feel you will be able to - for lack of better words - sympathise with me. The headmaster annoys the hell out of me! Why on earth would he wait for you to ask to protect the Potter's? He waited until he got something in return! You! The old coot! (I ask you not to question how I know this - I am a Slytherin after all). In 1992 he led us all to believe that we had won the house cup and then switched to Gryffindor's at last minute! Now, I'm not prejudiced against other houses (my sister is a Gryffindor and my brother a Ravenclaw) but COME ON! I want to ask you how you cope with the old fool...I mean, a calming draught? I could whip one up; I got an O for my last potion's exam!

Yours sincerely,

Slytherin OutCast

Dear Slytherin,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. He is extremely bothersome. I know now that he would have protected the Potter's either way, so I sold my soul for nothing. At least, I hope he would have protected the Potters either way. Otherwise, he's far crueller than I thought.

The 1992 House Cup was absolutely petty and cruel. He wanted to take the Slytherins down a peg, but did eleven year old honestly need to be taken down a peg? I saw one of the smaller First Year girls actually sobbing her eyes out. She felt betrayed, tricked, and fooled. And far more upsetting to her than that, she got the feeling that the Headmaster actively disliked all Slytherins. How do I know this? She kept me up until three AM with her crying and ranting. I had to give her a calming draught to avoid her becoming hysterical.

The mad old fool(this is MY advice column, we play by MY rules. Headmaster, nothing!) is quite gullible, though. When he gets too much to bear, I advise you simply pull a Snow White's Stepmother on him and being him a gift of lemon drops that you've secretly coated in a Draught of Living Death. Or simply throw around the name "Gellert Grindlewauld" accompanied by phrases like "teenage romance".

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I wonder if you could tell us about your tastes in music? The Wizarding World has such a small population that it seems to produce few people of real artistic talent, let alone genius, in the arts, but as a half-blood you will be familiar with music considerably beyond the range of Celestina Warbeck and the Weird Sisters.

Do you like classical, jazz, rock? Who are some of your favorite composers and songwriters? I myself am an opera-lover of many years' standing, and often find things in opera that seem to resonate with your own tragic story, particularly in the works of Wagner – but that may cut too close to home for you. You and I are also of the same generation, so we are likely familiar with much of the same popular music. Did you prefer the Beatles or the Stones? Or were they utterly old-fashioned by the time you were a teenager in the Seventies? Perhaps you prefer jazz – though again the blues might be cutting too close.

I am also curious if you are at all musical yourself. Of course you would never perform for dunderheads, but do you play or sing for your own pleasure and comfort, in the privacy of your quarters? Perhaps you express yourself in some other art, such as drawing or writing. Or does the exact and exquisite art of potions-making provide you with all the creative outlet you require?

Respectfully, Very Small Prophet.

Dear Very,

My tastes in music are rather varied. I am a fan of the Who, actually. I do like the Beatles, as well. They were somewhat out-of-date, but I didn't care. I also do like the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. When my mother and I were the only ones home, she'd often quietly sing bits and pieces of it, and sometimes she'd use it to lull me to sleep. My father, of course, loathed her singing and often told her to shut her mouth.

This will likely surprise you, but I am a fan of Muggle musical theatre. It's entralling, and takes your mind off your many problems. Seussical: The Musical was utter genious. When in a depressed mood, I often listen to dark instrumental songs. When in a more cheerful mood, I play things like Beethoven in the background whilst I read or brew.

I am far from an expert in opera, but what I have seen I do enjoy and feel vaguely reminded of my own life.

I do express myself in several creative ways. The first, of course, is potions making. But I also enjoy composing original songs on violin every now and again, and, if I say so myself, my songs are quite good. I also write poetry. It is often of a darker variety, but occassionally it is almost happy. My poems are about as good as my violin.

Of course, I rarely have time to write songs or poetry, or even read and brew for my own enjoyment with all my teaching, Death Eater meetings, Order meetings, and my spy work for Dumbledore.

Sincerely,

Professor Sn-

Hello, good people! This is no longer Professor Snape speaking! It is I, Moz! I have him bound and gagged in a chair, and I do not intend to let him out or feed him anything but lemon drops until he admits that Draco and Harry belong together! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How long do you think he'll last? I give him a week, tops! Yeah, Snapie-kinz! You don't mess with Moz! Well, you don't if she's had her Pixie Stix! Now I'm off to eat about a dozen more before regular Moz kicks in and starts feeling guilty! Goodbye to you all, and remember- Drarry forever! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	9. Chapter 9

Hello, my wonderous readers! It is I, Moz! Hahahahaha! On my 482, 228, 436, 192, 971, 934th Pixie Stix! I'm ungagging Sevvie-Pooh now, so he'll be able to answer your questions! But he is still MINE! Mineminemine. Until he agrees with me about Drarry. Yay! Okay, now this is Sevvie. I'm undoing the gag with one hand as a write- he BIT me! Savvie BIT me!

Let me out, you psychopath! Let me go!

No, Sevviekins. Because Draco and Harry belong together. Don't you think?

No!

Just answer the questions, or I'll re-gag you.

Fine, Miss... do you have a last name?

No, no I don't.

Fine then, Moz. Here we go, I suppose.

No.

Have you considered that St. Mungo's has a ward for Spell Damage? I'm fairly certain you've been Confundus'd.

Love,

S.A.

-

Professor Snape-

Unwell employers are the bane of the universe. My condolences on the "binding-and-gagging incident". Did you ever think not to allow her any Pixie Stix?

Hoping you are not dead,

T.A.S.E

Dear S.A.,

No. No I have not. Please go away.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear T.A.S.E.,

My sympathies. Unfortunately, Moz only comes in to type for me every so often. I cannot control what she does outside of my dungeons. Pixie Stix included.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Sevvie,

First of all, AW! I knew you always cared about Lily, but, really...AW!

And of course James just HAS to ask Lily out AGAIN, huh? Sometimes I hate him...but then love him again. Know what I mean?

All right, I only have ONE question this time:

You know all those Hermione/Snape fics? You know the ones you read all the time? Well, out of all of them, which one's your favorite? And don't say you hate them all! You have to pick one.

Love,

ProudGryffindor.

Dear Proud,

Yes, AW this and AW that. Yes, I do indeed. Sometimes I hate chocolate royale, but then I love it. However, I cannot fathom feeling that way about James Potter.

I do NOT read Snape/Hermione! NO! Teacher-student relationships do not happen- wait. I can't really say that. Fine. Sexy guy-ugly girl relationships do not happen.

But I have seen some reasonably fascina- NO. Nonono. See what you people are turning me into?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape

Fear not! I will send my robot minions to assist you! After I've found the remote control of course, *looks around exceedingly messy room* Only problem is...they are cused- you will be unable to use sarcasm for the next week...

1. What was the most ridiculous excuse you and Lily ever came up with as too why you didn't do your homework?

2. Has Voldemort ever done anything nice?

3. PLEASE tell me you got Dumbledore back for the disgraceful was in which he took away the house cup from slytherin in 1992. If you haven't I'd like some ideas. *looks over at desk where sweets lie which will prevent him from enjoying sweets ever again*

Not yours,

Slytherin Chibie

ps. What ARE Pixie Sticks?

Dear Chibie,

It's WORTH IT! I am SO HUNGRY! She won't feed me! Except lemon drops, and I'd sooner starve! Wait- an entire week? Really? Heaven help me.

1. We came up with some doozies. A few personal favorites of ours were...

*We were kidnapped by Death Eaters and we only just escaped, so we didn't have time to do it.

*I was doing my homework when another pupil fell in the lake. I jumped in after him and saved his life, but unfortunately I forgot to put down my homework first, so it got ruined.

*Dumbledore had a nervous breakdown and began cutting it up to make paper dolls.

*We didn't do it because we didn't want to add to the already heavy workload of our wonderful teacher.

*We chose not to do it, to avoid making the other students look stupid in comparison.

*Sorry, but Lily was hungry for knowledge and ate my essay.

*We ate too much cheese and got constipated, so we weren't able to do it.

*I had to go save Severus. The Slytherin dorm room caught on fire. I was too busy rescuing him to do my homework.

*A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again.

We were terrible students.

2. Well, from time to time he'll be quite pleasant, and in a good mood he'll even be kind to Bellatrix, which is kind I suppose. And he is somtimes very kind. Shares pie with everyone.

3. I snuck into his room in the middle of the night and shaved off a large piece of his beard. The beard you see now? BEARD COMB OVER.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- They are colored and flavored sugar in plastic sticks.

Dear Moz (I wouldn't dare bother our beloved Potions Master with anything as trivial as page breaks),

My method is to leave a placeholder where I want the line break to be, like this:

-

Then when I'm in "edit" mode on , I replace them with line breaks one by one. Try it. It took me two stories to figure this out.

Yours, ever direct and brusque,

Very Small Prophet

Dear Very,

Oooooh. Thank you. I'll do that eventually. But right now, I feel too much like spinning round and round until I get dizzy and throw up to figure out how to do that.

*spins*

Sincerely,

Moz

To the esteemed Professor Snape,

Sir I would like to congratulate you on the subterfuge you were able to use for out your career as a double agent, your ability to fool even Lord Voldemort into thinking you were on his side would leave Loki, the Norse God of trickery among other things, impressed, perhaps you could even sneak into Marvel and see if you can't take his part in the upcoming Avengers movie.

In any case on to my question.

In your treatment of Harry Potter you seem to assume he's taken on the traits of his father, starting pretty much right from the get go. Had you been able to prove his arrogance I'd understand your constant hatred, however I don't think there's been one incident he's ever been in that he's tried to get much praise for. So why the continued hatred of him? The fact that his survival cost Lily her life? If that is the case than consider the fact that Harry himself had no choice in the matter being all of one years old so it was Lily's choice to die not Harry begging to live. In short I would advise you to try and learn the true nature of Harry Potter before continuing your grudge.

Would you mind playing this for the next part of the letter, you will find it somewhat appropriate. http:/ www. youtube. com/ watch? v=Eeo NDck p0ZE (withouth spaces of course).

Oh and sir, I regret to inform you that the relations in which you engaged with multiple students in prior chapters was unlawful, ergo while you were reading this letter several aurors have been getting into position around you and will now conduct your arrest, sincerest apologies.

With the most respect I can muster at this time,

Dracarot former Ravenclaw

P.S. You will be hereby sentenced to have to continue doing these letters for the remainder of eternity, again my sincerest apologies, but threat not our agents will also deal with "The Great and Powerful Moz" to ensure no interference on the part of this scribe in trying to enforce any shipping habits upon you.

Dear Dracarot,

...well, you do make several good points. But discontinuing my grudge would mean taking a layer off of my character, and the books would be far less interesting.

And best of luck the the aurors, but I doubt that Merlin himself could take Moz when she's had her Pixie Stix.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- I was expecting the Cops theme song. But the other song was fine too.

Professor Snape,

Just a quick note to say thank you for the advice. You know, if the students actually stopped trying to think that you're evil they would notice your sense of humour. Or maybe it's just me. I like the Gellert idea! Thanks :)

Slyterin Outcast

Dear Slyterin,

You're very welcome.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Ok, I feel sorry for you, tied up there, so I'll give you some advice for a change - just say it. You don't even have to mean it, just do it. And then you'll be free to do whatever you like.

Now a question: Why were Potter and Black able to even hex you in the first place? I mean, you were way smarter. You even made up your own spells! Couldn't you have beaten them singlehandedly? Then weren't that good, were they?

Sincerely, Perfect Slytherin Girl

PS: Hufflepuffs? You can do way better. Besides, aren't you supposed to be in eternal mourning?

Dear Perfect,

You know, now that I look back on it, if I'd kept my head I could have bested them easily. I suppose that's how it is with bullies. In the moment, no matter how many comebacks you know, how many spells you've mastered, you just forget it when they're mocking and publicly humiliating you.

And NEVER! Never will I quit!

(yes he will)

NEVER will I say I "ship" this "Drarry". By the way, people- seriously? You invent your own language? Are you really that bored? I mean, Mary Sue, slash, femslash, yaoi, O.O.C., PWP, Drarry, Dramione? YOU'VE INVENTED A FREAKING LANGUAGE! You ALL need hobbies.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Can't I forget my problems from time to time, people? And why do you hate the bees so much? I mean, you're a Slytherin! If you were all Ravenclaws, I would understand the hate, but you aren't. So what did Hufflepuff ever do to you, honestly?

Dear Ex-Death Eater (or so they say...)

I've always tried to deny it, being a student at Hogwarts, but I find myself falling more and more in love with a certain Dark Lord. The way he conducts himself, that evil glint in his eye, oh it just turns me on! I somehow understand that he can never love, so how am I supposed to move from my infatuation with him?

Merci beaucoup,

The Hopeful Dark Lady.

PS: I heard about you and Grubbly-Plank. Seriously?

Dear Hopeful,

I suggest you find someone who needs a ladyfriend. I advise Flitwick, personally.

Word of advice- don't chase the Dark Lord. Bellatrix will eat you alive.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- WHAT have you heard about myself and Grubbly-Plank?

Okay, lovely people, Snape is again gagged! And now he has six aurors to keep him company. They're all unconscious, except for one who's maybe dead.

DRARRY FOREVER!


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Readers,

Help! That crazy little sociopath is on bedrest now(she's sick with something) and is just leaving me here without food for days on end! I am forced to eat dirt I lick from the floor and my own boogers in order to survive! _Help me_!

Now she's up and is forcing me to write you. I beg of you, help m-

Be _quiet_, Sev! Hi. It's Moz again. Ignore him. The lack of food is getting to his head. Yesterday he was muttering about a unicorn flying around his room. I'll have him answer you all now. Sorry it took me a while, I've been on bedrest. I still am, actually. Fortunately, I now have a laptop.

Severus,

1. Just a freaking question about points! Wats the leastnumber of points you have taaken from the gryffindorks?wats the most you have taken? Have you considered (cough*more than 100?*cough)

the bestb way too kill a certain golden trio. I despise them.

3. Need permission to get 1,000 torture curses and other painful spells from the restriction section

4. Do you like pie?

SINCIERLY, alwaysSlytherin

(PS I have spelling issues)

Dear always,

1. The least is one, although it was for something meaningless. I just desired to irritate. I have taken seventy-five points in the past- that cursed little Longbottom deserved it. I _would_ take more, but that old coot wouldn't let me.

2. Become an animagi and smother them in their sleep. Honestly, I don't know _why_ that little cheese-man was allowed to become a Death Eater if he couldn't even manage that.

3. Certainly. I personally prefer 1,000 Death and Torture Curses(Karadora Belby is an utter genius), but I suppose it's a matter of personal preferances.

4. I do, actually. Quite. Preferable cherry or key lime. I cannot stand apple.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Clearly. I won't hold it against you, though.

Dear Professor Snape

What would one do when one is being chased by Death Eaters down one's high street?

Yours In Hope and Still Running,

One

Dear One,

I would run really, really fast. Then duck into a shop and hide like you've never hid before.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Professor Snape

I've sent the robot minions *hopes they don't get sidetracked and visit every pub in the northern hemisphere...AGAIN* But they should be there soon.

In the meantime...

More questions! *giggles*

1. Are there ANY sweets you like?

2. What was the most un-Snape like thing you ever did? I know, i know, you cannot not be like Snape beacause you Are Snape- but just answer the question.

3. Can you please explain "Dapple" beacause i've got some disturbing immages in my mind *shivers*

4. Buckbeak, Pius Thicknesse, Crookshanks and Arnold the Pigmy Puff lock in a room. Who would survive?

Unfaithfully,

Slytherin Chibie

Dear Chibie,

I believe they _have_ gotten sidetracked. Or perhaps Moz has destroyed them before they got to me.

1. No sweets, but I do enjoy some nice pie now and again.

2. Well. I suppose saving Potter's sorry butt was un-Snape like. But the truly, honestly most un-Snape like thing I ever did was have a fight with Lily Evans when we were nine. She was bossing me around, I got slightly irritated and said she was a spoiled brat, she said I was ugly and weird and we didn't speak for two days. Honestly, you people seem to think I've always worshipped the glory of Lily Evans. We were young children, and I wasn't always content to just looked at her, worship her and be her slave.

3. I'm not certain of what context I used it in. Please refresh me. It was probably a word that's kind of like dabble- oh, yes, I dapple in the world of cryptozoology from time to time a little. Or it could be a mis-spelling of Drapple, which is a "ship" you people sail. Draco and an apple. What do you people think about? What goes on in your strange little minds?

4. Crookshanks. That cat is one butch little super-kitty.

Insincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

How did you want to torture James Potter after the, um, Levicorpus incident in your fifth year? Please add detail!

Sincerely,

A Sadistically Curious Ravenclaw

Dear Sadistically,

I wanted to do it the Muggle way, honestly- rip out his eyeballs, skin him with a cheese grater and then light anything left on fire. All the while listening to his screams of agony.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

WHAT DID HUFFLEPUFF DO TO ME? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HUFFLEPUFF DID TO ME! MY SISTER GOT SORTED INTO HUFFLEPUFF AND NOW SHE'S TURNED HALF THE SCHOOL AGAINST ME BECAUSE SHE'S CONVINCED THEM THAT I'M EVIL! AND YOU ASK WHAT THEY DID TO ME!

Ok, rant over. But you can do way better. It's quite distracting in class when they're all fawning over you. I nearly threw up in my cauldron the other day. That's how bad it got. And I am still wondering if you are really in eternal mourning, by the way, for obvious reasons.

I'm actually not a Drarry shipper, I don't like the pairing (sorry!), but if you just SAID you liked it, everything would be fine.

By the way, which movies do you like? You're a Half-Blood, so you must have watched some movies. Me? I really like Lord of the Rings and this crazy movie about a boy who finds out he's a famous wizard (what a coincidence).

Sincerely,

Perfect Slytherin Girl

Dear Perfect,

Ouch. And I thought Hufflepuff were meant to be _nice_.

Well. It is rather naseating at times, I suppose. But I can't help it- it's not my fault I'm sexy. And it can be tough being as hot as I am. When I'm at the mall I always have to try to fight 'em off. And it never works. _Ever_.

I am in eternal mourning. But why does that mean I can't have an hour of fun now and again? It would be unfair to all the poor Huff-'n'-Puffs to force their love to go unapreciated.

Me either. But I will never let that crazy girl win! Never!

I grew up abused, alone and in poverty. We didn't have a TV or a DVD player. Once I saw a Disney movie at a theatre with Lily. I nearly vomited. Completely turned me off animation.

I now enjoy dark, low-budget movies most people have never heard of. They're some of the darkest, most fascinating, most moving films ever made.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Moz,

Who are the aurors that are keeping our dear Potions professor company?

Some weirdo with this, uh, this eye(I mean it is one heck of an eye!) and some pink haired pig-nosed girl.

Dear Sevvie,

Y'know ya love James - don't try to deny it!

I heard you like the Beatles... I kinda love you now. Which song of their's is your favorite? I can't pick one.

What's your favorite HP pairing out of Sirius B./Severus S. and Harry/Draco? Remember...you got to pick!

Oh! and if you had to pick between being a ballarina or a country singer, which would you be?

Love from,

ProudGryffindor

Dear Proud,

I... but... gah! James Potter? Honestly, I thought Hufflepuff where the ones who had about a third of an IQ point a piece.

Yellow Submarine, purely because it was the first I ever heard.

I refuse to answer on the grounds that doing so would be bad for my mental and emotional health, what little I have left.

To dance ballet takes skill and effort, and ballet can be moving and dark. However, Moz loves ballet, and I cannot risk ever having to dance with that barracuda. Country Singer. Hmm, I could write something pretty decent about Lily, I think. Let me see... I wish you peace and love and happiness in everything you do. Yeah, that's cute. And how about, uh, and wish that everywhere you go someone would give chocolate to you. No, wait, that doesn't work. How about someone would be in love with you? Yes, that works. Huh. This country singer thing is easy.

Sincerely, 

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Did you ever get Lily a gift for Valentine's Day?

What would you do if the Dark Lord and the other Death Eaters started laughing and talking about the time Lily was murdered?

Do you prefer poptarts or toaster strudels?

What do you think about the rumors that you and Scabior are secretly brothers?

How did Lucius get so much money?

Can you believe that some people pair you with Remus in their stories? I think that is absurd because you would never fall in love with him.

Sincerely,

Dragon MoonX

Dear Dragon,

Well, when I was younger I did little things- one year I picked a bouquet of flowers, another year I found all the brightest, smoothest stones in the neighborhood and spelled her name on her front yard. Once we got to Hogwarts I was far too shy to do anything for Valentine's Day. I thought the Marauders would mock me. They would have, but if I could go back I wouldn't have let that stop me.

Get all twitchy and excuse myself. I'd have to, otherwise my cover would be blown and everyone would die.

I like neither, but Moz likes Toaster Strudel. Henchforth, I prefer PopTarts.

I... what rumors? I've never heard any.

He... well, I can't really say explicitely. But, ahem, he... well, it... how do I say it?

Just say, it, Snapie. He got some from his parents, some from Narci's parents, and for the rest he went all LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It, minus the speedos. Now say you ship Drarry!

Never! But thank you for explaining, Moz. I have no idea what that means, but hopefully that was a decent desciption.

I agree. Of course, they also pair me with Sirius and Potter(either one). Sometimes all three at once. I don't think you people have brains, honestly. I really don't.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

If you had a time turner, what three things would you go back and change about your life; disregarding the consequences?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

P.S.

KEEP IT UP! STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELEIVE IN! DON'T GIVE IN TO MOZ's DRARRYISH DEMANDS!

Dear Anonymous,

I would tell Lily I loved her, I would stand up to my excuse for a father and I would never become a Death Eater. And if I had a forth thing, I'd give Dumbles a good hard slap.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Thank you for the support. I appreciate it.

DEAR SNAPE

i hear that some lupin and sirus has mpreg

PUT IN YOUR DARNED NAMES, PEOPLE!,

I... oh, gag me. I'm going to vomit.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Readers,

You know, considering how much you all claim to love me, you'd think at least _one_ of you would have called the aurorers on this little psychopath. She's keeping me half-starved and alone, yet all you do is write me idiotic letters with poor grammar.

Hi! Moz again. Sevvie was being a Grumpy Gus, so I decided to take over. I have lots of good jokes. Okay, here's the first one. Where do you find Dumbledore's Army? Up his sleevy! *hysterical giggles*

I stole the little nutter's laptop while she was giggling. Even _I _ would not subject you to more of that. Here's the first of your dreadful letters, then.

Heya Sevvie?

You die. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . . Saving Harry Potter. How do you feel about that?

If you could change how you die, how would you want to die?

Sincerely,

Person who can't remember what name they gave last time, but for this will be called spoiler.

Dear Spoiler,

You were Stickler.

I feel utterly and totally blissful. Who _wouldn't_ be de-light-ed about dying to save a spoilt little brat they absolutely hate for the sake of a woman who never loved the back on the order's of a manipulative, evil old man?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape 

Dear Sir Proffesor Snape,

I completely sympathise with you.

I am also a proud half blood - honestly we all may very well have to go into the Muggle world at some point and halfbloods make great er...how shall I phrase it... guides - the know all about the wizarding world AND the muggle world so they get half blood jokes - 'Smurfs are just house elves painted blue' and can explain things to either side. I know it shows your proud of being half a Prince but are you proud of being half muggle? Just in general not because of your Dad? Do you like the muggle world/muggle things? Are you good at muggle science - Chemistry (muggle potions)? You have awesome potion skills by the way. Go easy on Harry will you? You wouldn't want someone judging you because of YOUR Dad, and Lily gave her life for Harry, show him some kindness, for her sake. Same goes for Neville, you used to get bullied, you must know how he feels, his parents got driven insane by Bellatrix - be nice to him, even if its just to get back at Bellatrix. At first I shipped Lily/James - if only becauser Harry had to be born to defeat the Dark Lord (why do you always call him the Dark Lord?) but now I ship you and Lily. Yours is a tradgically romantic story - kind of like Romeo and Juliet (Do you like that play - it IS a PLAY, not a story) - You were her best friend. You fell in love with her. You hid it so she didn't know. You went to school got split up into different houses. One was labled as good. One was labled as evil. You grew apart - a little. You make the biggest mistake of your life (or the best decision ever considering you were crucial to stopping Voldemort) - you join a gang of homicidal psychopaths AKA The Death Eaters – putting you and your best friend on opposite political sides (Romeo and Juliet!). You accidently insult her. You try to get her forgiveness – threatening to sleep outside her common room was so cool and she sort of forgives you but says that because you're in a gang she can't be friends with you. She marries your worst enemy. Her life becomes threatened. You plead with DD (Dumbledore) to save her. She dies anyway – setting of a chain of events that lead to Voldemort's defeat and you dedicate the rest of your life to avenging her and preserving her memory (and eternal mourning (with a bit of fun added in, just to keep yourself alive)). It's awesome. You are now officially one half of a couple that never got to be or ended too soon that everyone wishes had lasted forever (like Romeo and Juliet, Susan and Caspian, Jess and Leslie, Wes and Fred). And sadly though we write many fanfics of your lives working out together they are never truly real and you will never REALLY cannonly be together and it's just a fading dream… BUT WE WILL ALWAYS DREAM! Sorry if the mentions of Lily upset you. Good on you for knowing about Lilies of the valley – they're so beautiful and nobody ever thinks of them, just ordinary lilies. And don't hate Sirius so much – he had a bad childhood too – sympathise, he's just looking out for his GODSON and you have a godson, you must know how that feels. Also Remus is not evil, just because he's a werewolf, he wasn't in on the joke and never meant to almost hurt you – your behaviour in Prisoner of Azkaban was horrible – you lied and Sirius and Remus were INNOCENT! How could you? Do you know what Lily would say to you? – If this hurts your feelings I'm sorry but I had to say it. Some questions:

- Why does everyone think you're a vampire?

- Do you really hate Muggleborns or are you just pretending to hate them to fool Death Eaters?

- Have you ever come close to kissing Lily/ telling her you loved her?

- What's your favourite memory of Lily?

- How may smiles (types of smile) did she have?

- Where do all the guys like you hide?

- Do you believe in love at first sight, true love and soulmates? Was Lily all three for you?

- Do you hate Gryfinndors?

- Do you believe in the ship Gryfinnclaw (Gryfinndor/Ravenclaw)?

- Do you think Slytherin and Gryfinndor were related, as Harry had the cloak and Voldy had the ring (and we know Voldy was related to Slytherin)?

- What colour are Voldemort's pyjamas?

- Why does everyone say Voldermort when it's spelt Voldemort?

- Have you ever spilt soup?

- What colour would you dye your hair?

- If Lily wasn't a red head what would you prefer her to be?

- Do you think it's weird that both James and Harry Potter married redheads – in the book?

- Does Voldemort ever clown hug anyone besides Draco?

- Do you hate Gryfinndors for reminding you of Lily?

- Do you believe in JK?

I always thought you were really cruel but once I learned about all you'd been through I realised how you must feel. You are a good man and if I were Lily I'd love you (that is not proposition). I know you must hate Gryfinndors but I just a normal (sort of) person that ended up there.

PS. Hi Moz, you're awesome, I love pixie sticks too.

PPS. Snape can you keep Hannah Abbot away from Neville – he belongs with Luna!

PPS. Sorry for my really long letter I thought I better get it out in one go so I would not annoy you with a billion letters (no promises I won't)

Hoping you are well (copyright Mafalda Hopkirk),

ProudHalfBloodGryfinndor. (not to be confused with Proud Gryfinndor)

Dear , (Gryffindor, not Gryfinndor)

Yes, I do like being a half-blood well enough. I don't go around boasting about it, but it's not as if I mind. If I did I'd try to cover it up, not adopt the name the Half-Blood Prince. I like come Muggle things, actually. They've had a lot of fantastic ideas, and they have a few people with some actual vocal talent.

Maybe I would be good at Chemistry. Ufortunately, when you go to Hogwarts you cease to learn anything but magic. No math, science, grammar, spelling... absolutely nothing once you turn eleven. Honestly, does no one see what a flawed system this is? And the Purebloods usually don't even get a Muggle basic education. I'm surprised half of them can even write their names.

Yes, but if Neville had been a Half-Blood, Lily would still be alive. Ergo, I hate him. And honestly, I don't know _why_ I'm considered the worst teacher in the history of the world. Yes, I'm nasty to Potter. But some of the time it's for something that he's actually done that's wrong(being late, being rude). And I'm nasty to everyone, not just Potter and Schlongbottom. Yes, I did feed that toad of Schongbottom's that potion. But it's not as if I'd have let it die, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like to think that as Potions master I can make a basic antidote, thank you. Yes, I favour the Slytherins- considering that the rest of the school is prejudiced against them and assumes every last one is a Death Eater is training is that so dreadful. I've never actually hit a student or done anything truly torturous. I've risked life and limb for the Potter boy, so why does everyone act like I'm beating him unconscious, harvesting his organs, boiling them into a nice broth then making him drink it every other day?

I do agree with you there. It was a beautiful story. And that Rowling person, if she even exists, did it in a chapter. That... Sparkle Overlord couldn't manage in four books. (by the way, Susan and Caspian? Really? Methinks you've only seen the movies. Wow. I just said methinks. Then wow. I need some nutritious food. My brain's starting to rot.)

How was I to know they were innocent? I was unconscious the entire time! Look, Sirius Black started out bullying me, not the other way around. He's unforgiving and he's very, very prejudiced. He assumes _all_ Slytherins are evil just because he got stuck with the worst of the lot. If he sympathised with me, I'd sympathise with him. It's a two-way street, people. I admit, my behavior to Lupin could have been better. I suppose it _was_ unkind to tell everyone about his condition. But I'd had a bad day, and honestly the man probably would have- or at least he _should_ have- resigned. Did you not read the bit where he was in full wolf-mode? He was a danger to the students. Fo shizzle. (that was me, Moz. Our Snapie would never say fo shizzle. But I wish he would! Ooh, maybe I'll add that to my list of demands. 1. Drarry love. 2. Fo shizzle.)

-Because I'm so pale, I suppose? I wasn't aware everyone thought I was a vampire.

-Faking it, obviously. Lily was Muggle-born, remember?

-A few times. Once it was snowing, the winter before first year, and we were just lying there catching flakes on out tongues, and I almost told her I loved her. I loved her even then, in a much more childish way. But then she started flailing her arms and legs around and I started laughing. She got very offended after that and said she was making a snow angel. I'm still not certain what that is. It was hilarious, though, watching her jerk her arms and legs around. And many times at Hogwarts, particularly during Third Year, I almost kissed her then became too nervous.

-My favorite? That one is hard. Maybe when she was nine and we went for a walk and found this abandoned house with the biggest, most overgrown garden full of so many flowers. She picked about three dozen of them and had them all in her arms and she looked so pretty and so happy. Or maybe during Christmas break during first year when she insisted of teaching me to ice skate. We went to a lake, us two and that weird little Petunia, that had frozen over, and she held my hands and backed on to the ice and was smiling. Then I fell and she fell and we were kind of tangled up. You'd expect her to throw a hissy fit- she was always a bit dramatic, which was one of the most lovable things about her- but instead she started giggling. Then I started laughing and eventually we were so loud half the lake- it was crowded during the winter, being so smooth and frozen and big- was staring at us. And that weird little Petunia was shaking her head and frowning, but Lily wasn't embarrassed at all.

-About three dozen(all of which had about ten slight variations of their own). The smile she used when she felt stupid, her embarrassed smile, her I'm-annoyed-but-you're-my-friend smile(I rarely saw that one. She usually just said however she felt), her peaceful smile, her what-just-happened-? smile, her sweet smile, her kind of nasty smile(she could be downright frightening at times), her this-is-nice smile, her trying-not-to-laugh smile... I could go on.

-What, the vampire-pale people? Usually ComicCon.

-Not love at first sight. Maybe attration at first sight, or interest at first sight, but you can't love someone when you don't know a thing about them. I believe in true love, love that's good and strong and pure. It depends of what you mean by soulmates. There's no such thing as two people who are made for each other and who just click magically. There'll always be fights and differences and arguements and differing opinions. True love is when you can work around that. I believe that some people do find the person they really belong with, though, and I suppose you could call them soulmates. But if Lily was my soulmate, why did she marry Potter?

-Yes, yes I do. Except for Lily- I believe she always had a little Slytherin in her.

-...The founders, you mean? No, Godric was much too stupid for Rowena. She was blessed with a brain.

-It's possible.

-A pinky orange with green, blue and yellow teddy bears with hot pink bow ties all over them.

-How should I know? I sure don't, and neither does the nutbar I'm being tor

-Probably once or twice when I was young. Most people have at least once.

-Electric purple on one side, lime green on the other.  
>Please, as if I'd dye my hair.<p>

-I'd love her if she was bald, honestly. I don't care about hair colour, and she'd be beautiful even with my dreadful hair.

-A bit, yes.

-Not as far as I know. If that weren't the first hug he'd ever given it might not have been so awkward.

-And for being snobby, prejudiced, insufferable little prats,

-I'm a J.K. Agnostic. If she's real, though, I hate her for giving me such a dreadful little life.

I'm glad you've come to your senses.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape. (I do like the sir, though)

P.S.- Hi! I love Pixy Stix so very, very much too! See my profile picture? That is my greatest dream!

P.P.S.- I'll see what I can do. Not that I can do much being held hostage in a basement. Oh, and here's something to make you stop thinking Moz is so "awesome". She writes fanfiction where Neville is dating not Hannah, not Luna, but Cedric Diggory. The Huff-and-Puff Fairy Lord. (oh, and to clear up any confusion, I don't mean fairy as a gay slur. I honestly believe the boy has some flower fairy blood in him.

P.P.(P.)S.- Please don't.

Dear Professor Snape,

We have been lucky enough to hear about Gryffindore's potions classes with you, but what about Hufflepuff's classes? What is THE stupidest thing someone has said to you in said class? HAVE you ever used a deadly poison on a student to demonstrate a correct antedote? And(last question) how many times has Dumbledore offered you a lemondrop?

Your... Uummm... ENTERTAINING inquirer,

Lady L. E. Nora

PS: how DO you manage to make such dramatic entrances? Do you PLAN these?

Dear Ladym

Huff-and-Puff. The ONLY house's classes I EVER dread more than Gryffindor's. MORE than once I've SPENT an entire potions CLASS attempting to convince THE HaPFL that vampires do not indeed SPARKLE. And the questions THEY ask. Most of the TIME they can't even specify WHAT they're talking ABOUT. 'That thingy over there by that thingamahbob in the thingymajig...'.

No, of course NOT. As if Dumbledore WOULD let that happen.

Probably ABOUT a billion. Whenever I SEE him. I don't KEEP count.

You're really NOT, actually.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- No, it's just a gift.

Dear severus Tobias (is that your middle name?) Snape, otherwise known as The Half Blood Prince,

TELL-TALE HEART! I love Edgar Allen Poe. And seeing as I'm talking about him, do you think that Edgar Allan Poe is a genius or is he insane?

On the topic of ludisity and smartness, what do you think of Albus in that way? Insane or Genius? I believe I already know your answer, but I would still like one.

Also, I just want to let you know that your responses are amazing, you know. You should be a comedian. I think you would do swell in that profession.

Hm, I was going to say something else, oh yes. In your letters you have many, uh, shall I say inappropriate drifts, and if I were you I would try to limit them.

Also, if you don't want people to send more in, don't remind them by begging them not to.

Is there any chance that you have a hidden talent for Quidditch?

Do you have any strange phobias? (mine is a volleyball flying in the air. Doesnt matter if it's towards me or not, I'll even wince if I'm the one to get the ball in the air.)

The next question is not mine, but rather a friend of mine's (I don't agree with student/teacher relationships, oh. I need to talk to you about that. Well anyway, my friend says, "what abut Ginny? Does she not remind you of Lily (except for the eyes of course) red hair, good at potions, and then falls for a potter. Don't you feel anything towards her?"

Okay. About the student/teacher relationships. I don't care how infatuated a person might be with you. You ate the responsible adult in the situation, and it is your job to turn them down, not egg them on. You could get in serious trouble for that.

Have you ever had a potion go wrong? If yes, how/what happened/when?

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond,

Stickler

P.S. sorry that this is so long

P.P.S. I feel as if i'm missing/ forgetting something

Dear Stickler,

_**TWO**_ letters at once? Now you're just pushing it.

That is indeed my middle name, but you can call me Professor Snape. Or his majesty.

All the world's geniuses are insane. You can't be one and not be the other. (Albus is the exception. He's plain nutters.)

See above.

I'd 'do swell'(Seriously? Swell? What is this, the mid-fourties?) in anything I set my mind to. I'm fantastic.

I have to respond to what they write. If they ask about something innapropriate, I have to respond. But I don't see all that many having 'innapropriate drifts' aside from the propositioning ones. Maybe I'm just not up to date on current Muggle terms for certain innapropriate things?

They'll remember either way. Moz will mention it if I don't. Perhaps if I plea, though, a few people will take pity on me and not send any more in.

I highly doubt it. Then again, I suppose if I worked I could 'do swell' at it.

Otters absolutely terrify me. Lutraphobiacs, unite!

Maybe I would if she weren't so cursedly annoying. Honestly, she's nothing like Lily. Lily was demanding and dramatic and bossy and unforgiving, but also hilarious and theatrical and creative and kind to animals. She loved flowers and baking and mud and was afraid of catterpilars and always figured the best way to learn to swim was to jump in the deep end, but taught me by walking into the shallow end 'til I was ready for the deep end, and was never, ever willing to agree to disagree. Ginny has red hair and is a Gryffindor and is decent enough at Potions, but she's nothing like Lily, not beyond that.

Fine. You have your opinion, I'll have mine.

Once a potion completely exploded when I was a second year. I was working secretly in the Potions classroom, making a sixth-year potion, when I added just a _pinch_ too much newt's blood. I was covered in polka-dots for a week. Believe me, the 'marauders', as they called themselves, had a _wonderful_ time with that.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- You are _not_ forgiven.

P.P.S.- Evidently you did, seeing as you just wrote me again, this time as Spoiler.

Moz, stop being mean to Severus! It makes me want to cry. :( If you starve him to death I'm going to hunt you down and feed you in bits to Crookshanks. . I do love the column though. I've been laughing my head off since I first started reading it. Now, for my letter to the professor. ;)

Oh, reeee-lax. I'll never actually kill him off. Just sort of torture him. He's smart enough to confess his Drarry love before he actually dies.

Dear Professor Snape,

It is not only the Hufflepuffs that fancy you. I am a Ravenclaw and have secretly fancied you for about four years now. Now that you are openly allowing a few of your admirers to come take your mind off things for a few hours I was wondering if you would spare me a few hours one afternoon this week? I'd gladly join you and the others at night after that, but I want you to myself at least once so I can truly shower the object of my long time devotion with the attention he deserves. :D

Sincerely,

Your Devoted Servant

P.S. - Sorry that my letter is continuing this annoyance for you, but I had no other way to contact you. :(

Dear Devoted,

I do like the sound of that... meet me in the astronomy tower this Friday directly after dinner.

P.S.- You are forgiven. Er, :)

Dear Professor Snape

ProudGryffindor is a dunderhead (as should go without saying). You could possibly have been a ballet dancer if you had started training young enough, but you could never be a ballerina because you're male. On the other hand, I think you could be a good country singer. You certainly have the material. "My Honey Done Married a Rich Animagus" or "Let Me Be, Old Man, Let Me Be!" or "Mothers, Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to Be Death Eaters." Being a blues singer would work, too. "Slytherin Blues" or "Melancholy at Hogwarts" or "Manchester Lily" I won't mention the operatic possibilities.

Now for my question: If you were to leave Britain, where would you like to live, and why?

Sincerely,

Very Small Prophet.

Dear Very,

True, true.

Those all sound like fantastic songs, actually. That could just be because Moz's latest way of torturing me when she's too sick to come and do it herself is playing songs by this Muggle singer 'At 'Em Lamb Burt' over and over again, and just about anything sounds better than hearing 'ravage me, take your time, swallow me, glamorize' again and again, though. Even the Weird Sisters are looking good in comparison.

This is Moz again. Ignore him. The lack of food is making him be all confused. He really loved Adam. I mean, how could you not?

Believe me, Moz, it's very easy.

I'd probably live in the Alps. Nice, cool, fresh air, and far fewer pesky children to bother me in my work.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

My dear Sevvie,

Long time, no see, huh? I do hope Moz is all right, or on her way to being okay again. :)

So guess what? Pottermore sorted me into Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw! I never knew I was that smart. :P But for old time's sake, I'm still going to sign off with "ProudGryffinor," because I truly believe I'm still a Gryffindor in my heart. :)

Yellow Submarie, you say? Good, good. I've always loved that one.

On to the questions!:

Do you have a favorite Muggle book? I have two; one's this outta wack book about this geeky kid with Lennon-style glasses that gets sent to this "magic" school with an old guy as the princible or whatever. It's pretty cool, though. You should check it out. My other favorite is The Outsiders. It's amazing. :)

And my last question that I shall squeeze in is this: What's your favorite memory with Lily? Make sure this one's real cute, and makes me wanna go, "Awwww!" :)

Love you, Snapie-poo!

ProudGryffindor

Dear Proud,

She's not very well at the moment, which you'd think would be a pleasant break. But now I'm being tortured with horrendous music. I just can't get a break.

Huh. A Ravenclaw and you didn't even know that only girls can be ballerinas. I mean, I didn't know either, but then I don't claim to be a Ravenclaw.

My favorite books from my childhood were these two books about unloved orphaned girls by Sylvia Cassidy. Lily gave me copies she got for her birthday when we were ten. She said they were stupid and that maybe I could make a bonfire or something(she thought I was some kind of pyromaniac. I have no idea why. I mean, I've always seemed so sane, haven't I?), but I adored them. I also love The Count of Monte Cristo and The Picture of Dorian Gray. I've always pictured Fernand, Danglars and Villeford as looking a lot like Pettigrew, Potter Sr. and Black.

My favorite memory _with_ Lily came right after one of my favorite memories _of_ her. Lily was holding the flowers. A big bee came into the garden and Lily dropped the flowers, grabbed my hand and ran towards the abandoned house. She kicked the door 'til it opened and said we should explore. The place had been nicely sealed up and didn't have any mice or rats, which was nice. There was a room we guessed was a living room, a room with peeling wallpaper and an abolutely enormous window and a kitchen downstairs. Upstairs there was a room we supposed was a bedroom and a smaller room across the hall(Lily thought it was probably a dressing room. I thought it was once a little library). The best part of upstairs was that the ceiling of the bedroom was fake- there was a rope ladder hanging from the ceiling, and Lily insisted on climbing it even though it was frayed. When she got to the top she was able to push up a piece of the ceiling to find a little tiny hidden room. It was only about a foot from floor to ceiling, but two people could lie there. There was also a basement with panneled walls.

Lily loved the place, and even I thought it was pretty cool. It was absolutely grimy, but Lily decided we should fix it up. She snuck cleaning supplies from her home and we scrubbed the place. Then she gave up a little frilly pink table and two chairs set she'd had in her bedroom, and we put it in the room with the large windows. She also bought two little stools at a garage sale with her allowance- she'd been saving it- and we put them in the living room, along with a huge pillow she took from her sister. She also brought a couple of blankets and pillows and an old rug for the bedroom. She also brought snacks for us to keep in the kitched, books and costume jewlery(we never could agree in what that little room was), posters to hang on the walls and board games we kept in the basement. Meanwhile I broke my back taming that little garden, and was even able to find a tire to make a swing out of as well as a few old boards which may or may not have been stolen from a neighbor. She had some of her dad's tools that she leant me, and I made a little platform we could sit on in a tree. We also painted pictures on the walls and tore down that awful wallpaper. One room- the dressing room/library- had a mural, albeit a poorly drawn one, of the two of us standing in front of that house.

It was heaps of work, but we finished a few months before we went to Hogwarts and managed to keep the place an abolute secret. We spent ages there every summer up 'til she stopped being my friend. I don't know what she did after that. I just hope she never brought Potter Sr. there.

Is that awwwww-worthy?

Snapie-poo? Come on, at least add a H to the end of poo! Really, people.

Sincerely, 

Professor Snape


	12. Chapter 12

Hi guys! It's Moz! Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been sick. But don't worry, I've been playing Barbie movies to Snapeykins company. Here, I'll let him talk.

You know, for all your claims of love for me, not a single one of you has come to rescue me from this lunatic. She's feeding me properly again, fortunately. She no longer 'ships' Drarry, thankfully. However, of late, I've heard her talking about something called "zutara". This will not end well.

Oh well. On to the letters.

Dear Professor Snape,

Ooh, you gave me a smiley face. I could giggle for hours. However, as I know that would merely annoy you, I will refrain. Only you could effect me in such a way, you naughty professor. ;)

Oh, and just so you know, I did call the Aurors on Moz. Unfortunately, as the lot of them are incompetent dunderheads, they could not seem to find her or where she is keeping you. Don't worry, I will keep trying. I don't appreciate anyone keeping you tied up when you have a very important Friday appointment with me in the astronomy tower. Especially since the only one allowed to do any tying up is you (well, unless you ask for it, of course).

I'll be sure to bring lots of nutritious food with me to our appointment since you have been doing without for so long. I'm sure after being half-starved and alone for so long you would certainly love someone to feed you - perhaps chocolate covered strawberries? Do you have any food preferences? What about music and candle scents? I want to be sure to set the perfect ambiance. Only the best for you, Love.

There are many other things I'd like to ask and plan, but that would certainly get too rated for this column, so... I'll just have to leave the rest for Friday. See you then, Love.

Sincerely,

Your Devoted Servant

P.S. - I hope 'Love' is not too personal. I can call you Master if you wish. ;)

Dear Devoted,

I believe you meant only I could _affect _you.

Frankly, it's no wonder we nearly lost the Wizarding War if a team of Aurors could not manage to locate one single psychotic Muggle.

I am allergic to strawberries. I do enjoy watercress, although I would find nearly anything outside of lemon drops acceptable. I do enjoy cinnamon scented candles.

And really, it's far too rated already. Could you basement dwellers perhaps tone it down? I know you adore me, and I can understand why, but this is truly reaching troubling proportions.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- Master? Really? Who are you, Bellatrix?

Dear Snape,

First off how do you do that cape billowing thing, cause it's freakin awesome, second will we ever see Snape for Prime Minister

signed sincerely,

the Sasquach of Gryffindor

Dear Sasquach,

I believe you meant Sasquatch.

Firstly, I have personally trained a team of tiny bats to fly under my 'cape' in formation, making it billow.

I am not a politician. Even I could not manage to lie enough to be one.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

To the esteemed Professor Snape,

I do apologize for the delay between letters but the failure of the first assault force to take down "The Great and Powerful Moz" left me in a bit of a bind as I scoured the multiverse for a second assault force that could pull off the job. Having said that I believe this new task force shall pull off the job.

1. SPARTAN-B312 Also going by his Team call sign of Noble 6, real name classified A SPARTAN-III Super Soldier from the year 2552, he was among a batch of 330 other children that were selected for the SPARTAN-III program after having been orphaned in an assault by the ALien force known as the covenant. After training his level of skill (a Hyper-Lethal Vector matched only by a SPARTAN-II known as John 117 or the Master Chief) got him assigned to Noble Team in which he defended the planet reach and performed many acts of valor including the destruction of a Covenant Super Carrier. He would have died on Reach after escorting the AI Cortana to the cruiser "Pillar of Autumn" though not before taking down an entire army including armored vehicles. Thankfully I was able to grab him just before his demise. (For full details of his exploits see Halo Reach.)

2. Wade Wilson The Merc With a Mouth, Deadpool, A mercenary given the X-Men Wolverine's healing abilities to prevent his death from cancer, it has left him certifiably insane, claiming to be a comic book character and often looking for a "fourth wall", despite his insanity he is one of the finest fighters around either in martial arts, swordsmanship or gun use, and even if he can't take down Moz he can easily distract her with insanity.

3. Boba Fett, an Intergalactic Bounty Hunter who has brought down numerous criminals for both the Empire and Crime Lord Jabba the Hutt, even had the skill and tenacity to escape the Sarlacc in the Star Wars expanded Universe.

To further aid these three from the multiverse a band of Klingon Warriors has also been organized for fire support and man power.

Hopefully that level of firepower should at least halt Mozes madness. If not no worries I'm already in the process of forming a third team for the job.

Anyway a question for you Professor. On Youtube there is a series of videos known as "How it Should have Ended" one of these is for the Deathly Hallows movie and in it, your counterpart for these films kept an antitode for Nagini's venom on person and thus survived, and then proceeded to use a timeturner to go back in time to off Tom Marvalo Riddle as an eleven year old. My questions are thus, one how much are you kicking yourself for not thinking of carrying the antidote at all times. Two would you have gone back in time anyway or left it alone for fear of creating a paradox or the like?

I thank you for your time sir and I hope this new team allows you a much better situation.

Good luck sir.

Dracarot

Dear Dracarot,

You are forgiven. All three sound like they will be tolerable fellow prisoners, assuming they survive their initial encounter with Moz. She may not be particularly great, but for such an idiot she bites very well.

I have never kicked myself for not keeping an antidote on me. I knew I would probably die before the war was done. I was ready. I do wish I had died before Albus, though. Just a _day_ without him. Is that too much to ask?

And no, I would not have gone back. Paradoxes are not something to be toyed with.

Moz is at least feeding me. Unfortunately, she has taken up singing. If I have to hear John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt one more time I will remove my ears through sheer willpower.

Tell the rescue team to hurry.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear professor Snape/ Royal Majesty (are we looking at another Evil-Genius- Wannabe? Oh no...),

In your reply letter, I happened to notice that you put a lot of EMPHASIS on various words, and I confess that I'm confused. They didn't always make sense... Oh. Wait.(checks reply,) I understand now. You were mocking me. I hope that you realize, professor, that mocking your fans isn't going to earn you any points(pun intended, since you usually take away points, get it?) Oh well, I suppose you really can't help yourself, so I'm willing to forgive you... Just this once. I know you feel relieved.

On with the questions!

-what sort of pleasure do you find in terrorizing students? I mean, sure, its impressive, but rather mean, not to mention dangerous! Think of the explosions that must happened because some poor student's hands are shaking! You sometimes make ME nervous, for crying out loud!

-What would your reaction be if someone walked up to you and gave you a hug? Just wondering...

-What do you think of chocolate truffles?

-Do you speak another language? It might account for the odd looks you keep getting, and the fact that none of your students(except me) seem to get anything right.

-Most importantly, DO YOU LIKE CHEESE? Reactions to cheese say a lot about a person.

Your CURIOUS inquirer,

L. E. Nora(but you can call me Genius!)

Ps, you don't think I'm entertaining? Fine.

Neither are you. So there.

Dear Nora,

I try to address people semi-accurately. So calling you Genius is out of the question.

Moz is insisting I ensure I did not "hurt" your "feeling" by "being a meanie-head." Of course, I was mean for using sarcasm, but locking me in a basement for months on end is fine… I hope your feeling remain intact.

-It's an enjoyable diversion. If I didn't terrorize them I would eventually snap and Crucio one of them. It's not that mean, comparably.

-One word. Crucio.

-Dark chocolate ones are somewhat acceptable.

-I do know Latin, as many great Wizards do, but I prefer to speak English.

-No. I do _not_. What does that say about me, pray tell?

Sincerely,

_P_rofessor Snape

P.S.- Oh. Ouch. That truly stings, deep into my soul. How will I ever begin to cope with you not finding me amusing?

Dear PROFESSOR SNAPE (are you happy, now?),

:') .Adorable.

Very Small Prophet? - True, true. Those are all very good song ideas. I, myself, would love listening to them.

I haven't read those books, but they sound interesting. I might look them up.

I only have one question for you this time: when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Dear Git-Who-Doesn't-Sign-Her-Name,

I'm _**never**_ happy.

I didn't have a specific career in mind, but when I pictured my future I imagined doing something where I had intelligent colleagues, where I fit in and was well-liked, and where Lily was in the picture even if we were not married.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear, Sarcastic, Occasionally Downright Cruel And Unusual Professor Snape (that's right, YOU),

Hi there! How are you today? Have you popped Moz upside the head today? I'm doing great, thanks for asking. It just so happens I have A LOT of questions for you... I know you don't mind.

Soooo...

Do you play any musical insturment? I personally could see you playing the piano, but the tuba or the kazoo are just as likely.

Can you sing? I bet you have a lovely singing voice; all you have to do is speak and you have everyone's attention!

Also, how did the other teachers at Hogwarts recieve you when you first started teaching?

What is Draco's middle name, and why on earth do people keep assuming that you're his godfather?

What's with the animosity between you and Bellatrix? Do you simply enjoy annoying each other, or is she jealous? Does she really have a crush on Voldemort?

Lastly (for now!), what was your funniest moment as a Death Eater? It didn't have to happen to you, you may have simply witnessed it.

Well, sorry I have taken up so much of your incredibly valuable time, and I am certain you'll hear from me soon!

Ever watchfully yours,

Evil Innocent Bystander

PS, if you have a free afternoon, stop by The Hooting Owl, I'll be wearing a lime green scarf and I'll have ordered the eggplant souflée. For you, that is- I hate eggplants!

Dear Evil,

Oh, snap. How deeply hurtful.

I am as well as can be expected. I am being fed again, thankfully. I have managed to restrain myself as far as using violence towards Moz. I do mind.

I've already mentioned that I am a talented violinist, and I do enjoy the penny whistle.

I am an absolutely dreadful singer. My singing voice is quite raspy, although that could work well for jazz.

They were mistrustful and hostile, particularly Minerva. Save for Trelawney. She was rather…_overly_ friendly.

He has no middle name. Some Catholic needed an extra one and stole his. Not everyone has a middle name. And people assume I'm his godfather because I _am_. I know Lucius Malfoy, and frankly who else could they choose? Bellatrix LeStrange? The Notts?

Frankly, I wonder who Frank is, and why he gets an adjective all to himse-

Be quiet, Moz. This is my column. If you're making me do the bloody thing the least you can do is not interfere.

She dislikes me. She distrusts me. She questioned my loyalty. To be fair, she was right. And she passed crush seventy miles ago.

Puppet Diversity Day.

It all started when Fenir Greyback started complaining about certain Death Eaters (coughBellatrixcough) making "insensitive comments" about his "condition". The Dark Lord felt this was unacceptable. So one day we held Puppet Diversity Day.

Everyone who was suspected of "Lycanthropy-related intolerance" (myself, Bellatrix, Lucius, Narcissa, Rodulphus, Pettigrew) were gathered into one room. Bellatrix and Pettigrew were given werewolf puppets. Narcissa and Lucius were given vampire puppets. Rodulphus were given normal puppets. The Dark Lord gave Rodulphus and I little water pistols filled with blue and red dye and were instructed to spray the other puppets. Apparently the water represented our "unkind words and actions". All I know is it was wonderfully amusing to spray Bellatrix in the face with blue dye. I pretended my finger slipped.

Well, that's not exactly funny, but it was extremely enjoyable as it happened.

Oh, joy.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I sent you a package with some food since Moz hasn't been allowing you to eat properly. And I prepared the food myself. I hope you like blackberry bread and peach tea.

Now, on to my questions.

Did Lily ever ask you to babysit Harry while she and James went out for the evening?

Is Scabior single?

Do you think Remus and Sirius are more than just friends?

Were you ever forced to go to a Death Eater meeting when you were ill and would have rather stayed at home in bed?

I'm afraid I can't think of many questions today, so that's all I have for now.

Sincerely,

Dragon MoonX

Dear Dragon,

While I am a fan of neither peaches not blackberry bread, the food was much appreciated.

No, we had no contact by that time.

Yes he is. I suggest you pursue him. He'd be delighted.

I choose not to concern myself with the affairs of those idiots.

Yes, I was. It was Puppet Diversity Day, actually, and I ended up vomiting on Rodulphus. I think that was the only reason Bellatrix didn't torture me afterwards. She does enjoy seeing Rodulphus uncomfortable.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Moz,

Could you please feed Professor Snape? Starving him for not shipping DracoxHarry is not very polite. Other than that, thank you very much for "persuading" the Professor to answer our questions during his captivity. You are awesome.

Dear Professor Snape,

1. What was your favorite spell that you've invented?

2. What was your favorite potion that you've invented?

3. I'm assuming that you've assigned Harry Potter many different kinds of detentions. What was the most hilarious (for you not Harry) punishment you've ever given him? One of my buddies asks "did you ever have the 'Golden boy' clean your bathroom?" My own reply to my buddy was "That'd be pretty funny but why would the Professor want Harry touching his personal things?"

4. I apologize for this stupid question but I've heard that you can fly without a broom. Is this true? If yes, do you like flying?

5. I've read in an earlier chapter that you would kill Harry by telling him the truth about his stupid father (yes, I know that the word "stupid" doesn't even begin to describe James Potter but I'd like to avoid swearing), torturing him, then chopping his body to make flour and then making a souffle out of said flour and finally, eating it. My question is, aren't you afraid of the horrific indigestion that would result from consuming Potter's corpse? Is there a stomach soothing potion strong enough to counter the effects of consuming Potter? I'm not doubting your Potions skills but you've got to admit that eating Potter is like asking for food poisoning and the worst case of the runs in British history.

6. Which of the DADA teachers did you hate the most; Quirrell, Lockhart, Lupin, Umbridge, or Carrow?

7. How tall are you (please give your answer in feet and inches. Yes I am capable of converting but please don't make me)? I personally am 4'8 (yes, I know that I'm a total shorty). I'm trying to picture how tall I would be standing next to you. Would I come up to your elbow? Or am I taller than that (perhaps this is wishful thinking on my part)?

Sincerely,

DP.

Dear DP.,

Hi! I'm working on my manners, so I've begun feeding him again. I don't ship Drarry anymore anyway. Thank you! You're awesome too!

Dear DP,

Sectumsempra was probably the most useful.

A milky white potion that turned the drinker's teeth to liquid with just four drops. It was delightful for using on bothersome people. I tried it once on Dumbledore. Apparently, he did not notice the difference.

That was very wise of you. I did once force him to trim my toenails.

Yes, it's true. It comes in handy, but the novelty does wear off.

You do have a point there. Although I can make a remedy for nearly anything.

Quirrel. While the others were all dreadful, _nothing_ trumps Quirrel. He said I should grow sideburns! And invest in some deep plum robes to bring out my "piercing" eyes! And buff my fingernails! And get some new hair care products! A _deep conditioner_! He felt my hair would go well with the fluffy look!

Six feet, nine and three quarter inches. Perhaps just above my elbow.

Dear Professor Snape,

I just wanted you to know you are probably one of my favorite people in the wizarding world. Its very admirable the way you face both Voldemort and Dumbledore's crazies. I wouldn't be able to face it. Not to mention you also have to teach disrespectful and idiotic students.

By the way have you read the muggle story of Cyrano de Bergerac? There are some remarkable similarities between the two of you. Namely your nose, wit, and unrequited love.

Sincerely,

Interested Ravenclaw

Dear Ravenclaw,

You mean it's very admirable. And yes. It is.

I'm acquainted with it. Apparently his nose, while large, was not as big as some have made it out to be.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Instead of asking questions about you, I thought I would ask you about your fellow staff members. I have no doubt you will answer honestly and eloquently.

Is it true that Madam Pomfrey is incapable of taking a step without bustling? In many fanfics, it seems like she bustles every time she makes a move. Is this due to some sort of physical deformity or curse that everyone is too polite to mention? Molly Weasley appears to suffer from the same problem.

What are your fellow Heads of House like? People seem to think Professor Sprout is soft and nurturing, but we never see that in the books. The characteristics of Hufflepuff House are hard work and loyalty, not softness, warmth, or sentimentality. Sprout is loyal to her own House, but I'll bet she's a tough cookie to everyone else. No one should mess with badgers.

How old is Professor Flitwick? Fanfic writers seem to think he's old and grey-bearded, but JKR never tells us. He could be older than Dumbledore or younger than you. How tall is he? I'm 4'10"; is he as tall as me? Personally I think anyone over five feet is too tall, but I'm willing to make exceptions for brilliant and sexy Potions Masters.

Is Professor McGonagall really "strict but fair"? You'd think if she were she would have done more to stop the Marauders from bullying you. Or was that all Dumbledore protecting his Manly Little Gryffindors? People have the impression that McGonagall is tough, but she seems to fall apart pretty easily when Dumbles isn't around. What's with that?

How many of the staff members are married? Do spouses live at Hogwarts, or do they keep their own establishments? Commuting would be easy with floos and apparition, and only Heads of House need to be at the school all the time. The other teachers don't really need to be shut up in that castle twenty-four hours a day like a bunch of monks and nuns.

Finally, is it true that Irma Pince is really Eileen Prince in disguise?

Respectfully,

Very Small Prophet

Dear Very,

Yes, it's true. She bustles whenever she moves do to the fact that one of her legs in merely a peg. You see, she spent many years as a pirate, and lost a leg and an eye. After she eventually came to the side of good she became a healer, but her injuries had been dead for too long to be cured. So she got a glass eye to replace the patch and hides the wooden peg beneath her robes. Molly Weasley was her First Mate.

Sprout is extremely gruff and rather strict, although she's gentle with her more…fragile students. She is a "tough cookie" indeed.

He is in his mid to late thirties, and is roughly two feet, six and a half inches.

Minerva is not particularly tough and does indeed tend to shatter without Big Manly Dumbledore for her to bat her eyes at. I have no idea why, although I assume she has some sort of horrible trauma in her past. All teachers here do, otherwise they wouldn't be teaching here.

She's strict… except when she bends the rules for her students. She's fair… unless Slytherins are involved.

Only two that I know are married, and they have what you might call long distance marriages. They seem to feel writing every few days is contact aplenty. Most teachers are shut up twenty-four hours a day, although you'd hardly call them monks and nuns if you saw what went on in the staff room.

Finally, no, Eileen Prince has been dead for years.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Now remember guys, send our dear Snapie lots and lots of letters! Hugs and kisses and Pixy Stix, guys!


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